How to learn to understand people without words?

Body language. How to read the thoughts of others by their gestures

General understanding of body language

Towards the end of the 20th century, a new type of scientist-sociologist specialist in the field of nonverbalism appeared. As an ornithologist enjoys observing the behavior of birds, so a non-verbalist enjoys observing non-verbal signs and signals when communicating with people. He watches them at official receptions, on the beach, on television, at work - wherever people interact with each other. He studies people's behavior, trying to learn more about the actions of his comrades in order to thereby learn more about himself and how to improve his relationship with other people. It seems almost unbelievable that in more than a million years of human evolution, the non-verbal aspects of communication began to be seriously studied only from the beginning of the sixties, and the public became aware of their existence only after Julius Fast published his book in 1970. This book summarized the research on non-verbal aspects of communication, carried out by scientists - behaviorists before 1970, but even today most people still do not know about the existence of body language, despite its importance in their lives.

Charlie Chaplin and other silent film actors were the ancestors of non-verbal communication, for them it was the only means of communication on the screen. Each actor was classified as good or bad, judging by how he could use gestures and other body movements for communication. When sound films became popular and less attention was paid to the non-verbal aspects of acting, many silent film actors left the stage, and actors with pronounced verbal abilities predominated on the screen.

Regarding the technical side of the study of bodybuilding, the most influential work of the beginning of the 20th century was the work of Charles Darwin, “Expression of Emotions in People and Animals,” published in 1872. It stimulated modern research in the field of “body language,” and many Darwin’s ideas and observations are recognized today by researchers around the world. Since then, scientists have discovered and recorded more than 1,000 non-verbal signs and signals.

Albert Meyerabian found that the transmission of information occurs at the expense of verbal means (only words) by 7%, due to sound means (including tone of voice, intonation of sound) by 38%, and due to non-verbal means by 55%. Professor Birdwissl has done similar studies regarding the proportion of non-verbal means in human communication. He found that, on average, a person speaks in words only for 10-11 minutes a day, and that each sentence on average sounds no more than 2.5 seconds. Like Meyerabian, he found that verbal communication in conversation takes up less than 35%, and more than 65% of the information is transmitted using non-verbal means of communication.

Most researchers agree that the verbal (verbal) channel is used to transmit information, while the non-verbal channel is used to “discuss” interpersonal relationships, and in some cases is used instead of verbal messages. For example, a woman can send a man a murderous look, and she will clearly convey her attitude to him without even opening her mouth.

Regardless of a person’s cultural level, the words and the movements that accompany them coincide with such a degree of predictability that Birdwissl even claims that a well-trained person can determine by voice what movement a person makes. the moment you pronounce a particular phrase.And vice versa, Birdwissle has learned to determine in what voice a person speaks, watching his gestures at the time of speech.

It is difficult for many people to admit that man is still a biological being. Homo sapiens is a species of large, uncoated monkey that has learned to walk on two legs and has a well-developed brain. Like other animals, we obey the biological laws that control our actions, reactions, “body language” and gestures. Surprisingly, the animal-man rarely realizes that his posture, gestures and movements may contradict what his voice reports.

Susceptibility, Intuition and Foreboding

When we say that a person is sensitive and intuitive, we mean that he (or she) has the ability to read another person’s non-verbal signals and compare these signals with verbal signals. In other words, when we say that we have a premonition, or that the “sixth sense” tells us that someone has told a lie, we really mean that we noticed a disagreement between the body language and the words spoken by this person. Lecturers call this audience feeling. For example, if the listeners are sitting deep in chairs with their chins down and their arms crossed on their chests, the susceptible person will have a hunch that his message is not successful. He will understand that something needs to be changed in order to interest the audience. And the unresponsive person, accordingly, will not pay attention to this and will aggravate his mistake.

Women are usually more sensitive than men and this explains the existence of such a thing as female intuition. Women have the innate ability to notice and decipher non-verbal signals, to record the smallest details. Therefore, few husbands can deceive their wives, and, accordingly, most women can learn the secret of a man from his eyes, which he does not even suspect.

This female intuition is especially well developed among women involved in raising young children.

For the first few years, the mother relies only on non-verbal channels of communication with her child, and it is believed that, thanks to her intuition, women are more suitable for negotiation than men.

Congenital, Genetic, Acquired and Culturally Conditioned Signals.

Despite the fact that a lot of research has been done, there is heated discussion about whether non-verbal signals are innate or acquired, whether they are transmitted genetically or acquired in some other way. Evidence was obtained through observations of blind, deaf, and deaf and dumb people who could not learn nonverbal skills through auditory or visual receptors. The gestural behavior of various nations was also observed and the behavior of our closest anthropological relatives — monkeys and macaques — was studied.

The findings of these studies indicate that gestures are classifiable. For example, most primate cubs are born with the ability to suck, suggesting that this ability is either innate or genetic.

The German scientist Aibl - Aybesfeldt found that the ability to smile deaf or blind from birth is manifested without any training or copying, which confirms the hypothesis of congenital gestures. Ekman, Friesen, and Zorenzan confirmed some of Darwin’s suggestions of congenital gestures when they studied facial expressions in people from five deeply different cultures. They found that representatives of different cultures used the same facial expressions to express certain emotions, which allowed them to conclude that these gestures should be innate.

When you cross your arms on your chest, do you cross your right arm over your left or your left over your right? Most people cannot reliably answer this question until they do it. In one case, they will feel comfortable, in the other case not. From this we can conclude that this is possibly a genetic gesture that cannot be changed.

There is also controversy over whether certain gestures are acquired and culturally conditioned or genetic. For example, most men put on their coat, starting from the right sleeve, while most women start putting on a coat from the left sleeve. When a man passes a woman on a crowded street, he, passing, usually turns his body to the woman, while a woman usually passes, turning away from him. Does she do it instinctively, protecting her breasts? Is this a woman’s inherent gesture, or did she learn to do this unknowingly while watching other women?

Psychology of gestures and facial expressions

To understand a person without words allows facial expressions, gestures, poses. Consider the main aspects that require special attention:

  1. Torso - if a person tilts his torso and head towards the interlocutor - this indicates a clear interest, a desire to communicate, to find common themes, a desire for mutual understanding. When leaning back in the chair, looking to the sides - there is a lack of interest, carelessness,
  2. Personal space, communication areas - each person has a personal zone, from about 46 cm to a meter, social - 1.2-3.6 m, public - over 3.6 m. The desire of an outsider to be very close, usually causes a negative reaction. Only friends, close people can come close to us, it is worth considering and not violating these zones when meeting new people. Clapping your shoulder, touching a stranger is not worth it, it will cause a negative at the subconscious level.
  3. Torso standing:
  • swinging the body - a person feels anxious or in a hurry,
  • fidgeting, shifting from one foot to another - speaks of insecurity, a person is nervous, worried, maybe wants to leave as soon as possible, stop talking,
  • legs stand straight, directed towards the interlocutor - the person is ready for communication, interested in conversation,
  • legs crossed - defensive position, a person feels insecure, is for the first time in a new environment, among strangers or does not quite agree with the opinions of others.

You can learn to understand people if you carefully monitor the interlocutor during a conversation.

  1. Hand position - often helps to understand people, determine the mood and condition of a person:
  • hands on hips - for a man a signal: ready for action, conversation, active actions, maybe hostility, this situation is used in disputes, for women - they emphasize the beauty of the suit or decisiveness of mood, it depends on the situation,
  • thumbs placed in a belt or in pockets - a person wants to attract the attention of the opposite sex, in a conversation between men - assessment, rivalry, goes into conflict, aggression with a strained position of the legs and torso,
  • hands open - a position conducive to communication and trust,
  • arms crossed on the chest - a defensive position, a negative attitude to the situation, with clenched fists - hostility, with a girth of the forearms - nervousness, expectation of something exciting. Arms crossed, and thumb up - a pose of superiority, self-confidence,
  • hands in front of you, palms on top of the palm - help a person gain confidence during a speech, for example. They talk about the need for support, lack of confidence,
  • raising shoulders - “I can’t say for sure”, “not sure”, but sometimes, if you want to tell a lie, a sharp jerking of your shoulders occurs,
  • waving hands - a person cannot restrain emotions, is overly excited - angry, upset or outraged,
  • hands behind your back - openness, self-confidence, even sometimes superior - bosses, leaders, government officials often use this position of hands,
  • hand behind head - a person likes to dominate, feel superior
  • desire to hide fingers - usually use pockets or other methods, symbolizes shelter of information, lack of honesty, confidence in a conversation,
  • arm fractures - a person is very nervous, possibly experiencing stress, tension or a depressive state,
  • knocking with fingers - haste, nervousness, you need a quick solution to the issue, or help in calming down,
  • hand in the "house" position - self-confident people prefer to connect their fingers, building a pyramid, observed by diplomats, ministers,
  • rubbing hands - impatience, anticipation of an event, receiving information, great interest.

We read gestures and facial expressions of a person, observing the movements of the hands, head, and facial expressions.

  1. Head gestures help to learn to understand people:
  • leaning toward the other person - interest in communication,
  • sharp movements of the head - disagreement with the point of view,
  • leaning back - arrogance, contempt,
  • nodding your head - desire to like, showing consent, support of the interlocutor,
  • head turns - doubts in the spoken words, misunderstanding or disagreement,
  • lowered head - self-doubt, low self-esteem, a person feels awkward, uncomfortable, willingness to make concessions, a person does not always monitor his interests,
  • head scratching - a person is embarrassed, feels insecurity, misunderstanding the essence of the issue, thoughts.
  1. Facial expression, gestures in the area of ​​the face. how to read a person by gestures and facial expressions?
  • Covering the mouth with your hand - the desire to hide something, untruthful information,
  • touching the tip of the nose - a modified gesture of the same meaning - disbelief in words, suspicion, desire to hide a lie,
  • rubbing a century - unwillingness to see something unpleasant, to hear a lie, to hide information,
  • rubbing the ear - a person is tired of listening, may not believe the words, he wants to express an opinion,
  • scratching the neck - speaks of doubts and insecurity, it’s difficult for a person to make a decision,
  • fingers in the mouth, pencil, cigar - receiving moral support, perhaps worries, nervous situation,
  • stroking the chin - thinking, making decisions, analyzing information.
  1. Handshakes - You can learn to understand people through shaking hands:
  • hand turned palm down - a person likes to dominate,
  • two-handed shaking - found among politicians, a desire to win over, friendliness, although you should not abuse it, is not always perceived positively
  • sluggish handshake - self-doubt, weak character,
  • very strong punching - aggressiveness, stiffness of character, bad manners, a challenge to others,
  • shaking fingertips - occurs when a person has not reached completely, speaks of self-doubt,
  • shaking of the shoulder, elbow with the other hand is acceptable in relations with close people, in other cases it is undesirable, they can be perceived negatively, there is an invasion of the territory of the personal zone.

We examined the main points of what gestures and facial expressions of a person are talking about. It is interesting that gestures occur on an unconscious level, often we don’t notice how we stand, how we hold our posture, what kind of hand movements we make. Moreover, human facial expressions and gestures, behavior psychology are interrelated concepts, often by the characteristic features of behavior you can understand what kind of person we are dealing with - open, communicative, honest or restless and prone to deception. How to learn to read facial expressions and gestures of a person, if you see it for the first time, are unfamiliar?

Having the necessary knowledge, it is easy to learn to understand people, read their intentions, facial expressions and gestures of a lying person

  1. Often after pronouncing a lie such gestures are observed - loosening the tie, touching the neck, nose, covering the mouth.Often during a conversation they hide their hands, can fidget, sway, which indicates concern. There is also the opposite behavior - they stand motionless, like petrified, not showing emotions. They gesticulate little, because the brain is busy inventing and controlling telling a story.

Leg position - they can swing their legs, showing nervousness, impatience, often the legs are turned to the other side of the interlocutor. They can make sharp movements with their shoulders, touch their interlocutor, trying to "rub in confidence."

  1. Facial expressions - they hide their eyes, look the other way, the running eyes or vice versa do not reduce their eyes, they look at point blank range. The smile is usually strained, unnatural, only the movement of the lips, and no changes are visible in the corners of the eyes. Frequent blinking also expresses nervousness or a desire to hide information, feelings.
  2. Speech - usually speak in a calm tone, attaching importance to words. They can tone up when they show off or are in an excited state. Usually, a change in the tone of speech does not happen by chance; watch the tone and words. They can stumble, uh. mmm ..., make other sounds, go astray.

How is the behavior of an honest person, causing confidence?

  1. Quietly maintains eye contact, is open to communication, makes an inclination towards the interlocutor during a conversation. Keeps himself calm and confident. Can nod, keep calm conversation. Likes to gesticulate, hands are open, palms are turned underside, saying "everything is fair." Legs are in a calm state, standing side by side or abandoned one after another, but without sudden movements. He turns with his whole body and feet to the interlocutor.
  2. The facial expressions are lively, a light and lively smile is visible on the face, always sincere, it is felt, the fun is transmitted to others. A smile is transmitted to the corners of the eyes, which also "laugh." Facial expression always corresponds to the experienced emotions and words, if a person is sad, upset by something - this is immediately evident, it does not pretend that everything is fine.
  3. Speech - can express different feelings and emotions, which is reflected in the voice. The tone of the voice corresponds to the mood, situation, feelings. The voice changes depending on the topic of discussion, tries to clearly pronounce the words, the voice is deep, low, sonorous, we often hear optimism, cheerfulness.

The psychology of human behavior, facial expressions and gestures help to learn to understand people, their state, mood, find a special approach for everyone, distinguish sincerity from a desire to like or be deceived. Gestures and facial expressions provide a lot of information, but the voice is also a reflection of a person, it allows you to learn more about the inner world and condition at a particular point in time.

Secrets of voice, how to calculate a person in the manner of conversation?

You can learn to understand people by listening to the voice, intonations, timbre, emotions that sound in speech.

The main features of the voice, their meaning:

  1. Voice too high - It causes a feeling that the person is immature, inexperienced, insecure, irritable. Often people with a high voice experienced psychological trauma in childhood, which caused a stop in emotional development, the formation of a voice. An experienced psychologist can help adjust the sound of your voice and resolve internal conflicts.
  2. Low voice - the presence of such a voice depends on the device of the voice apparatus, but a low voice sounds nicer than a high one, causes more sympathy. It’s not necessary to underestimate the voice too much, it will be noticeable and sound unnatural, pretentious. It is enough to speak calmly, not to increase the tonality. Women who can speak in a low voice are considered more attractive and sexy. Men are usually given a low voice by nature, this is enough.
  3. Quiet voice - not always the reason for shyness and insecurity, it can be used for the desire to draw attention to themselves, so that people ask again, do not abuse the patience of others, it is better to try to speak at a level that is sufficient for understanding to avoid conflicts.

Scientists have noticed that a quiet voice is often the cause of depressed mood, grief, depression, a feeling of powerlessness. Moreover, such a feeling does not bring joy in life and creates tension in the soul, which can result in outbursts of anger and discontent.

  1. Loud voice - loud-speaking people want attention, power, control over the situation, are arrogant and domineering, prone to rivalry. Such people are not really self-confident and constantly demand confirmation of their superiority. This behavior is observed among immigrants from large families, where it was necessary to "fight for a place in the sun."

Loud speech in combination with a high tone also speaks of irritability, there is a factor causing a change in voice. A person may be dissatisfied with something at himself or the world around him, therefore, he switches to loud speech with shades of discontent.

  1. Silence of speech at the end of a sentence - a person with such a manner of speech also lacks self-esteem, manifests itself in the carelessness of speech, the lack of clarity, thoughtfulness. In addition, improper breathing can lead to a similar effect, you need to learn how to inhale before the sentence, so that there is enough air to make a speech, take small breaths and exhalations during the conversation, as when singing.

Often people with a quiet speech have a peculiarity - it is difficult for them to finish what they started to the end, take up many things at once, leave halfway, lack organization.

  1. Trembling voice - people with trembling voices are often upset, worried, worried about trifles. Often they are afraid of life, difficulties, constantly scroll through various situations, considering what will happen. There are neurotics who themselves spoil their own lives with unnecessary worries about the future, forgetting to live today.
  2. Gnarly notes - pronunciation in the nose: the effect of a aching or complaining person is usually negatively perceived by others, most do not like such people. If you do not use this specificity for shooting in series, it is better to work on your voice and get rid of unpleasant specifics. People with such a voice often become the object of ridicule, are not taken seriously, is not suitable for advancement in a career.
  3. Husky, sharp voice - speaks of the owner as a rude and domineering person who prefers to dominate life, one should be on the alert with such a person, one should not trust too much, get carried away with good words.
  4. Sexy aspirated voice - such a manner of speech usually does not inspire confidence, it is only appropriate with close people, and you won’t be able to seduce everyone with your voice. Such people are not entrusted with responsible work, although they can be hired by secretaries. People often get the impression that such a person cannot be competent in important matters. They are not very sincere if they flirt with everyone.
  5. Speaking too fast - people who are inclined to chatter incessantly are often not balanced in life and are in a state of stress, haste, constantly trying to catch something, catching up with the departing train. It is difficult to consider such people reliable, they prefer to control the conversation, seize the initiative, talk more about their problems, have little interest in others, and therefore tire even loved ones and loved ones. Fast speech irritates people.
  6. Jerky speech - it is characteristic of clear-cut, straightforward people, they always stand on their positions, do not like to give in, tend to lead others, teach, give instruction, like teachers at school. To others it seems arrogant, arrogant.
  7. Sweet voice - It is often observed in duplicitous people who want to make a special impression, to achieve the desired from others, they stretch the words, resemble the character of a fairy tale - "fox-sister". Such people should not be trusted, they can lead a double game.
  8. Very slow speech - Often people with slow speech are passionate about the inner world, problems, do not notice others, may be depressed. The level of self-esteem is often underestimated, they speak and perform actions very slowly, fearing to make mistakes in life.They can be arrogant, crush with words in a slow and clear speech, trying to convince themselves that they are right, ignoring the reactions of the interlocutor. Often the cause of slowness is despondency, but there are others — a violation of neuromotor, inhibitory effect of drugs.

People understand each other without words and learn to perceive the image, paying attention to small details - gestures, facial expressions, sounding voices. Often we feel on the subconscious mind the mismatch of information and behavior or sound of the voice. Having the necessary knowledge, learning to understand people will be much easier.

We wish you to always successfully interact with others and learn to read thoughts without words!

Hand Gestures. Rubbing palms

Recently, my friend came to visit with my wife to discuss the details of our joint forthcoming trip to the mountains. During the conversation, she unexpectedly leaned back in her chair, smiled broadly and, rubbing her palms, exclaimed: “I can’t wait for us to go!” In a non-verbal way she announced that she was expecting a successful trip.

By rubbing their palms, people nonverbally convey their positive expectations. The person who rolls the dice rubs it between his palms as a signal that he expects victory. The host of the ceremony or entertainer rubs his palms before saying: “We look forward to our next participant speaking,” and the excited sales agent bursts into the office of his boss and, rubbing his palms, says excitedly: “We just got a big order, boss! ”However, if a waiter comes up to your table at the end of the evening and, rubbing his hands, asks:“ What else do you please, sir? ”, then the non-verbal message will be that he hints at a tip.

The speed with which this gesture is performed signals that person who is supposed to get positive results in this situation. For example, you want to buy a house and contact a real estate agent. After you describe to him the house you want to buy, he quickly rubs his palms and says: “I have just such a house for you!” Thus, the agent signaled to you that the transaction would be beneficial for you. How would you feel if he slowly rubbed his palms together, saying that he has the perfect place for you? It will seem tricky or dishonest to you, and you will have a feeling that the upcoming deal will be more profitable for him rather than for you. Sales agents are taught that if they use this gesture at the moment when they describe their products or services to potential buyers, they must make this move quickly so as not to scare away the buyer. When a buyer comes to the sellers with this gesture and says: “Well, let's see what you have!”, This will mean that the buyer assumes that he will be presented with something pretty, and that he will surely make a purchase.

One warning: if at a bus stop in winter you see a man rubbing his hands, this should not necessarily mean that he does it impatiently while waiting for the bus. His hands just froze!

Rubbing thumb on forefinger

Rubbing the thumb on the index finger or on the tips of other fingers is usually used to indicate money and wait for the receipt of money as payment. Sales agents often use this gesture when communicating with their customers: "I can save you 40%." Or in a conversation between friends, this gesture can be used by a person borrowing money: "Borrow me 10 dollars." But this gesture should be avoided by service personnel when working with clients.

Interlocked Hand Fingers

At first glance, this may seem like a confidential gesture, because when people resort to it, they smile and feel happy. However, in one specific case, I watched a sales agent describe a failed transaction.As he spoke, the fingers of his clasped hands began to whiten and looked like they were welded to each other. So through this gesture was expressed disappointment and hostility.

Studies conducted by Nirenberg and Calero on the study of the gesture of the clasped fingers of the hands, allowed them to conclude that this gesture indicates disappointment and the desire of a person to hide his negative attitude. This gesture has three options: crossed fingers are raised at face level, hands are on the table, on your knees when you are sitting or lower than yourself in a standing position.

There is a relationship between the position of the hands and the strength of the negative feeling experienced by the person, that is, it will be more difficult to agree with the person if his hands are raised as shown in Fig. 37 than in fig. 38. For relaxation. of this negative gesture, a number of measures must be taken to allow a person to stretch his arms forward and bare his hands, otherwise there will be a hostile note in the negotiation process.

Steeple Arm Position

At the very beginning, I already mentioned that gestures do not exist in isolation from each other, but are closely related to other gestures and micro gestures, like words in a sentence, therefore they need to be interpreted taking into account the circumstances in which they are used. The "hairpin", as Birdwing called it, the position of the hands may be an exception to this rule, because it is often used in isolation from other gestures. Indeed, this gesture is often used by self-confident people, people in senior positions, or people with limited gestures. Using this gesture, they convey information with their self-confidence.

My observations and studies of this charming gesture show that it is very often used in conditions of sub-coordination and can be an isolated gesture, indicating a confident or “all-knowing” position. Managers often use this gesture when they give orders or advice to their subordinates, it is very common among accountants, lawyers, managers and the like.

This gesture has two options: hands spire up and hands spire down.

The first position is usually adopted when the speaker expresses his opinion or sets out his ideas. The second position is used when a person does not speak, but listens. Niebernberg and Calero noticed that women more often use the position of their hands with the spire down rather than the spire up. When the head is thrown back with the spire pointing upwards, the rash of complacency and arrogance appears in him.

Although generally a hairpin gesture is regarded as a positive signal, it can be used in both positive and negative circumstances, and therefore can be misinterpreted. For example, a sales agent offering his goods to a potential buyer may pay attention to a number of positive gestures received from the buyer during negotiations. This can be naked hands, and leaning forward, and head raised up, etc. Suppose that by the end of the negotiations the client makes a hairpin gesture.

If this gesture, in response to the agent’s offer to give his decision, is followed by a series of positive gestures, the agent will receive a signal that it is possible to complete negotiations, ask about the order and be sure that it will follow. On the other hand, if a hairpin gesture (especially if it was made at the end of the presentation of the product) is followed by a series of negative gestures, such as crossing your arms over your chest, throwing your legs over your legs, running eyes and numerous gestures related to manipulating your hands on the face, then this indicates that the buyer made a firm decision not to buy this product and wants to get rid of the sales agent. In both cases, the “hairpin gesture” means self-confidence, but one has a positive meaning, and the other leads to negative consequences for the agent.The key to the correct interpretation of the hairpin gesture will be prior human behavior.

Laying Hands Behind

It has been observed that many men - members of the British Royal Family - have the habit of walking with their heads held high, their chins raised, and their hands behind their backs. But not only members of the English royal family use this gesture, it is characteristic of the royal dynasties of many countries. In everyday life, this gesture is used by a policeman on duty, the director of a local school passing through the schoolyard, senior military officials and people in senior positions. Therefore, this is considered a gesture of a confident person with a sense of superiority over others. It allows a person with unconscious fearlessness to open his vulnerable areas of the body, such as the stomach, heart, and throat. Our experiments showed that if in especially stressful situations (such as the condition of the person being interviewed, waiting for a dentist's appointment), you take this position, you will feel less stressed, more confident and even domineering.

Our observations show that police officers armed with firearms rarely put their hands behind their backs, but often use an aggressive hand-to-hip gesture. It seems that the weapon itself gives the person weight, so the need to confirm the importance of his person with an additional gesture will disappear.

The gesture “hands in the lock behind your back” is different from the gesture “laying your hands behind your back with a wrist grip”, which indicates that the person is upset and is trying to pull himself together. In this case, one hand grips the wrist as firmly as if it is trying to keep it from striking. Interestingly, the more angry a person is, the higher his hand moves on his back. The man in fig. 44, for example, exerts greater effort for self-control than the person in Fig. 43, because the hand in fig. 44 captures the forearm, and not just the hand. It was from this gesture that the expression “Take hold of yourself!” Came in. This gesture is often used by sales agents when they were not immediately received during a visit to a potential buyer, but asked to wait at the reception. This is a bad technique used by the agent to hide his nervousness, and the observant buyer will surely feel it. If this gesture is replaced by “hands in the castle behind the back”, then a feeling of calm and self-confidence will appear.

Thumb Accent

In the doctrine of divination by the hand, the thumbs indicate the strength of character and ego of the person, and the non-verbal using the thumbs confirms this.

Putting thumbs up speaks of authority, superiority and even aggressiveness of a person. However, this gesture must be considered in conjunction with other gestures. Open thumbs are a positive signal. Often a gesture is present in the pose of a stern boss in a society with his subordinates.

A man caring for a woman uses this gesture in her presence, and he is most typical for people dressed in official and prestigious clothes.

People wearing attractive new clothes are more likely to use this gesture than people wearing outdated, non-modern clothes.

Thumbs denoting superiority become an even more eloquent gesture if a person speaks completely opposite gesture words. Take, for example, a situation where a lawyer, turning to the court in a soft, low voice, says: “Ladies and gentlemen, jurors. In my humble opinion ... ”while the thumbs of his hands stand out distinctly and his head is arrogantly thrown back.

As a result, the jury will have the feeling that the lawyer is insincere and even pompous.If he really wanted to appear modest, he would have to turn in a completely different way: take a step towards the court, unbuttoning his jacket, opening his palms and slightly lowering his eyes to express humility and humility.

Thumbs very often peek out from the pockets of a person, sometimes even from the back pockets of trousers, to hide the dominance of a person in a given situation. Women also resort to this gesture. In addition, lovers of this gesture often stand on tiptoe to become taller.

Another popular gesture is arms crossed across the chest with thumbs upright. This gesture conveys a double signal - the first about a negative or defensive attitude (arms crossed) plus a sense of superiority (expressed by thumbs). A person resorting to this gesture usually plays with one or both fingers, and a standing position is characterized by swaying in heels.

A thumb-emphasized gesture is also used to express ridicule or disrespect to the person pointed by the thumb. For example, if a husband, turning to his friend, points to his wife with his thumb in a fist of his hand and says: “These women ... they are all the same,” then he provokes a quarrel with his wife. In this case, the gesture is used to make a mockery of an unhappy woman. Accordingly, pointing with a thumb is annoying for most women, especially if men do it. This gesture is not typical for women, although sometimes they also use it in relation to people who they do not like.

Deception, Falsehood, Doubt

How to find out that a person is lying? Recognition of non-verbal gestures that signal fraud is one of the most important communication skills that can be learned in the process of observing human behavior.

So, what gestures can a person give if he is lying?

These are gestures related to touching hands on the face.

When we watch or hear others tell a lie, or lie ourselves, we try to close our mouth, eyes or ears with our hands. We have already said that children quite frankly use gestures that indicate fraud. If a small child is cheating, he will cover his mouth with his hand in an attempt to stop the lying words coming out of his mouth. If he does not want to listen to his parents' notations, he simply plugs his ears with his fingers or covers his ears with his hands. If he sees something that he would not want to look at, he closes his eyes with his hands. When a person grows up, his gestures, using the hands of his face, become more subtle and less noticeable, but they still occur, If you use this gesture by a person at the time of speech, this indicates that he is telling a lie. However, if he "roars his mouth with his hand at the moment when you speak, and he listens, it means that he feels like you are lying!

One of the most depressing pictures for the speaker is the view of the audience, where everyone holds their hands by the mouth during one hundred performances. In a small audience or in private, it’s wise to suspend your message and ask the audience: “Would anyone like to comment on what I’ve said?” This will allow the audience to express their objections and give you the opportunity to clarify your statements and answer questions.

when a person is lying, covering up a lie or giving false testimony. These gestures can also indicate doubt, insecurity, lies or exaggeration of a real fact.

When a person makes a hand-to-face gesture, this does not always mean that he is lying. However, this may be the first sign of fraud, and further observation of a person’s behavior and gestures may confirm your suspicions. This gesture should be considered in conjunction with other gestures.

Dr. Desmond Morris conducted an experiment with nurses who were instructed to tell patients a lie about their condition under role play. Those sisters who had to cheat more often used hand-to-face gestures than those who told their patients the truth. This chapter discusses various hand-to-face gestures and the conditions in which they arise.

Hand Protection

Hand protection is one of the few gestures of an adult and has the same meaning as a child’s gesture. The hand covers the mouth and the thumb is pressed to the cheek, while the brain at the subconscious level sends signals to restrain the spoken words. Sometimes it can be only a few fingers at the mouth or even a fist, but the meaning of the gesture remains the same.

The gesture “protecting the mouth with the hand” should be distinguished from evaluative gestures, which will be discussed later in this chapter.

Some people try to pretend to cough in order to disguise this gesture. Humphrey Bogart, when he had to play the role of a gangster or a criminal, often used this technique when discussing his criminal intentions with other gangsters or during interrogation in order to emphasize the lack of sincerity of his character using non-verbal means.

Touching the Nose

In essence, touching the nose is a subtle, disguised version of the previous gesture. It can be expressed in several light touches to the dimple under the nose, or be expressed in one quick, almost imperceptible touch. Some women make this gesture very carefully so as not to grease the lipstick and not damage the makeup.

One of the explanations for the nature of this gesture is that when bad thoughts penetrate the consciousness, the subconscious mind tells the hand to cover its mouth, but at the very last moment, out of a desire to mask this gesture, the hand pulls away from the mouth and a light touch to the nose is obtained.

Another explanation may be that during a lie, delicate urges appear on the nerve endings of the nose, and I really want to scratch my nose to get rid of them. People often ask me: “What if a person’s nose often itches?” If his nose is scratched, then the person intentionally scratches it or scratches it, which is different from the light touch of a hand on the nose in a situation of deception. Like touching the mouth, touching the nose can be used both by the speaker to disguise his own deception, and by the listener who doubts the sincerity of the speaker's words.

Rubbing the Century

A wise monkey says, “I see no sin,” closing his eyes. This gesture is caused by the desire in the brain to hide from deception, suspicion or the lies that it encounters, or the desire to avoid looking into the eyes of the person to whom it is telling a lie. Men usually rub their eyelids in a very energetic way, and if the lie is very serious, they turn their eyes away, usually to the floor. Women very delicately make this movement, swiping a finger under the eye. This can be caused by two reasons: because of their upbringing, they are not familiar with rude gestures, the caution of movements is explained by the presence of makeup on the eyelids. Looking away, they look at the ceiling.

The expression "Lying through teeth" is known. This expression refers to a complex of gestures, consisting of gritted teeth and a tight smile, rubbing the eyelid with a finger and looking away to the side. Film actors use this complex gesture to portray the insincerity of their heroes, but in ordinary life this gesture is rare.

Scratching and Rubbing the Ear

In fact, this gesture is caused by the listener's desire to isolate himself from the words, putting his hand near or above the ear. This gesture is an adult advanced modification of the gesture of a young child when he plugs his ears so as not to listen to the reproaches of his parents.Other options for touching your ear include rubbing your auricle, drilling in your ear (with your fingertip), sipping your earlobe, or bending your ear in an attempt to cover your auditory opening. This last gesture indicates that the person has heard enough and wants to speak out.

1. Covering the eyelids

If a person, communicating with you, covers his eyelids, know: he is trying to hide, to protect himself from the outside world. Moreover, this does not mean that the person you are talking to is afraid of you. Rather, on the contrary, he wants to remove you from his field of vision, because you might have bothered him. He closed his eyes - bam! - and you disappeared.

Neck scratching

In this case, the person scratches the place under the earlobe or the side of the neck with the index finger of his right hand. Our observations of this gesture revealed an interesting point: a person usually makes five scratching movements. Very rarely, the number of scratches will be less than five or more than five. This gesture speaks of doubt and uncertainty of a person who says: "I am not sure that I agree with you." It is especially striking if it contradicts verbal language, for example, if a person says something like this: "I understand perfectly what you are experiencing."

2. Hand protection

This is a vivid example of the fact that we all come from childhood. Remember how you covered your mouth with your palm when you didn’t want to tell something. In adulthood, the same thing. A few fingers, a palm, or even a fist at the mouth help us restrain spoken words. Sometimes this gesture is masked by pretending to cough.

3. Biting the temples

You see, that acquaintance thoughtfully bites a handle of glasses? Hurry to support and cheer him up. He is clearly preoccupied with something and, on a subconscious level, seeks to feel security, as in infancy, on the mother’s breast. By the way, a pencil, pen, finger, cigarette or even chewing gum in your mouth can say the same thing.

4. Face Show

As a rule, this gesture is used to attract the attention of representatives of the opposite sex. Leaning our chin on folded hands, we put our face on display, as if in a store window, as if to say: "Here I am in all its glory, admire your health." Men should remember this gesture so as not to miss the opportunity to pay a compliment in time.

Collar Pull

In a study of the gestures of people who accompany their lies, Desmond Morris noted that lying causes an itchy sensation in the delicate muscle tissue of the face and neck, and scratching is required to soothe the sensations. This seems to be an acceptable explanation for why some people pull off their collars when they lie and suspect their fraud has been uncovered. It also appears that the cheater has droplets of sweat on his neck when he feels that you suspected a fraud. This gesture is also used when a person is angry or upset, while he pulls the collar from his neck to cool her with fresh air. When you see that a person is making this gesture, you can ask him: “Could you repeat this, sir?” Or “Could you clarify this point, sir?” And this will make the deceiver refuse to continue his cunning game.

5. Stroking the chin

So a person is trying to make a decision. At the same time, his gaze can be turned up, down, sideways. yes anywhere. He is hardly aware of what he is considering at the moment, as he is completely immersed in his thoughts.

6. Hand Crosses

One of the most common gestures. It is not surprising that in this position many feel as comfortable as possible - this position allows you to fence yourself off from others. Often we use this gesture when we are unhappy with something. Arms crossed on the chest are a clear signal of the negative mood of the interlocutor.

7. Preening

Agree, is this a more open pose? Trying to please a man, a woman begins to expose herself in the most favorable light.She straightens to emphasize the chest, and usually crosses her legs. Hands folded and lowered down are a signal of attention and increased interest in the interlocutor.

Fingers in mouth

Morris gives this explanation for this gesture: a person puts his fingers in his mouth in a state of intense oppression. This is an unconscious attempt by a person to return to that safe, cloudless time in infancy, when the baby sucked his mother’s breast. A small child sucks a finger, and as for an adult, in addition to a finger, he puts objects such as cigarettes, pipes, pens and the like into his mouth. If the gestures associated with covering the mouth with a hand indicate deception, the fingers in the mouth indicate an internal need for approval and support. Therefore, when this gesture appears, it is necessary to support the person or assure him of guarantees.

Interpretation of Gestures and Interpretation Errors

It takes a certain amount of time and a certain level of observational skills in order to develop the ability, under certain circumstances, to correctly interpret gestures associated with bringing your hands closer to your face. We can conclude with all certainty that if such a gesture flashed by a person, then this means that something unpleasant is on his mind. The only question is what is it? This may be doubt, deception, insecurity, some exaggeration of a fact, a gloomy presentiment or an outright lie. The art of correct interpretation is to determine which of these negative emotions is present. This is best done by analyzing gestures preceding a hand-to-face gesture, given the context of communication.

For example, my friend, with whom we often play chess, often rubs his ear or touches his nose when he is not sure of the correctness of his next move. Recently, I noticed his other gestures, which I can interpret and use to my advantage. I found that as soon as I intend to move the piece, touching it, he instantly makes a series of gestures that provide information on how he regards my proposed move. If he leans back and makes a hairpin gesture (confidence), I can assume that he foresaw such a move and may already have thought about how to answer it. If, at the moment when I touch the chess piece, he covers his mouth with his hand and rubs his nose or ear, this means that he did not expect such a move and does not know how to move on. It is clear that the more often I go after his hand-to-face gestures, the more chances I have to win.

Recently, I interviewed a young man who wanted to get a job in our company. Throughout the interview, he sat with his arms crossed and his legs crossed, his gestures spoke of a critical mood, his palms were too rare, and his eyes met my eyes only 1/3 of the time. Something clearly bothered him, but at the time of the interview I had too little information to make accurate assessments of his negative gestures. I asked him about previous positions and jobs. When he answered, his answers were accompanied by rubbing his eyelids and touching his nose, and he continued to avoid my gaze. This continued throughout the interview, and in the end I decided not to hire this person based on my “sixth sense”. The thought of negative gestures haunted me, and I decided to check its characteristics. I found that he was giving me the wrong information about his past. If I had not paid attention to his non-verbal signals, I could have made a mistake by hiring this person for work.

At the managers' seminar, a video of a role-playing game based on conducting an interview on hiring was scrolled.During this interview, the candidate for the position unexpectedly covered his mouth with his hand and rubbed his nose when he was asked one of the questions. Until this moment of the interview, he was sitting in an open pose, unbuttoning his jacket, baring his hands and leaning forward to answer questions, so at first we thought that those gestures did not coincide with his general line of behavior. The gesture of covering his mouth lasted several seconds before his answer, and then he returned to his open pose. At the end of the role-playing game, we asked him about this gesture, and he said that when he was asked that question, he could give a twofold answer, one positive option, the other negative. When he considered the negative answer and what impression this might make, the gesture of “covering his mouth with his hand” was involuntarily obtained. When he thought of a positive answer, his hand fell, and he returned to his former open posture. His thoughts on how the audience will respond to the negative response and triggered an unexpected "eats - covering his mouth with his hand."

These examples show how easy it is to err in interpreting hand-to-face gestures and arrive at the wrong conclusions. And only by constantly training in observing and studying these gestures, taking into account the context in which the gestures are made, can we learn to make the correct interpretations regarding people's thoughts.

Palming Cheeks and Chin

A good lecturer is one who instinctively feels when his audience is interested in what he is saying and when she has lost interest. A good trading agent feels when he “touches the right strings”, i.e. gropes whether the buyer is interested in his product or not. Each salesman is familiar with the unpleasant feeling that arises if his potential buyer is present at the presentation of the goods without uttering a word, and only observes. Fortunately, his reaction can be judged by a number of gestures, among which may be palm propping on the cheek or chin.


When the listener begins to put his hand in order to rest his head on it, this is a sure sign that he became bored, and he props his head with his hand so as not to fall asleep.

The degree of boredom is related to the severity of using the hand as a support. Extreme boredom and lack of interest are visible when the head is completely on the hand, and the absolute signal of boredom will be if the person lies with his head on the table and snores!

Tapping the table with your fingers and constantly stamping your feet on the floor are often misinterpreted as signs of boredom in the audience, but in fact they indicate impatience.

If you notice these signals as a lecturer, you need to make a strategic move in order to distract an impatient person and carry him off with a lecture so that he does not infect other people present. If the whole audience shows signs of boredom and impatience, this tells the lecturer that it is time for him to finish his speech. It is important in this regard to note that the speed of tapping with fingers or stamping on the feet depends on the degree of impatience of the person. The faster the gestures, the more impatient the listener becomes.

Estimated Relationships

A person takes an estimated position if he props his cheek with his fingers clenched in a fist, and the index finger rests on the temple. If a person loses interest, but out of politeness wants to look interested, his posture will slightly change so that his head rests on the base of his palm, as shown in Figure 58. I attended numerous meetings of managers, where I saw how young, growing managers used this gesture in order to portray interest out of respect for the president of the company, who at that moment was making a boring message. However, unfortunately for them, any propping up of the head with a hand means boredom and betrays them, and the president can understand that they are insincere in character or simply want to flatter him.

The real interest is shown when the hand, being under the cheek, does not serve as a support for the head. A simple way to revive their interest, perhaps, if the president says something like: “I am glad that you are so attentive to my words, because in a second I will ask you questions!” This will help increase the audience’s interest in his speech, because they are afraid that they will not be able to answer his questions.

When the index finger is directed vertically to the temple, and the thumb supports the chin, this indicates that the listener is negative or critical of the lecturer or the subject of his message. Often, the index finger can rub or pull on the eyelid as negative thoughts thicken. The longer a person keeps these gestures, the longer his critical attitude will remain. This gesture is a signal that the speaker needs to urgently take something, or try to captivate the listener with the content of his message, or round out his speech. A simple way is to give him something to support and thereby change his posture. The gesture of critical evaluation is often confused with the signal of interest, but with a critical attitude, there will definitely be a support of the chin with the thumb.

Stroking chin

The next time you have the opportunity to offer a group of people an idea, watch carefully their reaction at the moment when you do this, and you will take away a lot of fascinating things. Most, if not all members of your group, will bring one hand to their face and begin to make evaluative gestures. When you come to the end of your presentation and ask the group members to give their opinion or suggestion regarding your idea, the evaluation gestures will disappear. At your listeners, one hand will move to the chin and begin to stroke the chin.

This gesture of “stroking the chin” means that the person is trying to make a decision. When you asked listeners to express their opinion, their gestures changed from evaluative to “decision making” gestures. The following signals will tell you if their decision will be positive or negative. The sales agent will act unreasonably if he interrupts the buyer at the time he is.

will begin to stroke the chin in response to a request to communicate his purchase decision. His best line of behavior would be to carefully observe the subsequent gestures of the buyer, which will tell what decision he made. If, for example, after this gesture he crosses his arms over his chest and crosses his legs, then leans back in his chair, the salesman received a non-verbal negative answer. Immediately, you should once again walk through the merits of the proposed product before the buyer verbally expresses his negative answer, and this can save the negotiations.

If, after stroking the chin, a readiness gesture follows, the seller will only have to specify how the payment for the goods will be made, and the buyer will make the purchase.

Decision Making Gesture Options

If a person wears glasses, then after evaluating gestures for making a decision, he will do the following: he will take off his glasses and put one earpiece in his mouth instead of stroking his chin. The smoker will place the pipe in his mouth. If a person, after being asked to communicate his decision, puts a pen or finger in his mouth, this is a sign that he is not self-confident and needs support, because the object in his mouth allows him not to make a decision, think longer. Since it is considered bad manners to speak with a mouth full, an object in the mouth is considered an excuse for a person who does not dare to make a hasty decision.

Combination of Different Hand-to-Face Gestures

Sometimes gestures that indicate boredom, critical attitude and decision making can be used all at the same time, each reflecting some aspect of a person’s relationship.

Figure 63 shows how the evaluative gesture shifts toward the chin, while the hand at this time can stroke the chin. When the listener begins to lose interest in the speaker, the head begins to lean toward the arm for support. Figure 64 shows the critical score expressed by propping up the head with the thumb, as the listener has lost interest in the topic of conversation.

Rubbing the Nape and Clap on the Forehead

An exaggerated version of the gesture, expressed by the pulling of the collar, is rubbing the back of the neck with the palm of your hand, something that Calero called the gesture “breaks the neck”. If a person makes this gesture while pronouncing a lie, he looks away and looks at the floor. This gesture is also a sign of frustration or anger, but in this case, the hand first claps on the neck, and then begins to rub it.

Suppose that you asked your subordinate to fulfill your order, and that he forgot to do it by the required time. When you ask him about the results of the assignment, he will verbally answer that he forgot to do this by slapping himself on the forehead or neck, as if figuratively beating, punishing himself for forgetfulness. Although a slap on the head usually indicates forgetfulness, a person with this gesture also expresses his feelings towards you or the current situation, depending on

where the slap falls - on the forehead or on the neck. If he slaps himself on the forehead, he signals that he is not frightened that he has shown his forgetfulness in front of you. But when he slaps his neck, he tells you in such a non-verbal way that he is terribly unpleasant that you pointed him to this slip. People who are in the habit of rubbing the back of their neck tend to be negative or critical of others, while those who usually slap their foreheads when verbally admitting their mistakes are generally more open-minded people.

Hands on Breasts

Shelter behind a partition is a natural reaction of a person, which he assimilates in early childhood for self-preservation. As a child, we hid behind tables, chairs, furniture and my mother’s skirt as soon as we found ourselves in a dangerous situation. Growing up, we became more sophisticated in means of self-defense and, reaching the age of six, when the shelter behind the furniture would have become ridiculous, we learned to fold our hands and closely weave them on our chest with any signs of danger. In adolescence, we learned to make this gesture less pronounced, relaxing the interlacing of the hands a bit and combining this gesture with crossing the legs.

Growing up, we began to use this gesture so skillfully that its evidence became invisible to others. By placing one or both hands on our chests, we form a barrier. This, in essence, is an attempt to isolate oneself from an impending threat or undesirable circumstances. One can be sure if a person is nervous or takes a critical or protective posture, he crosses his arms on his chest. This is a clear signal that he feels danger or threat.

Research on this gesture has produced interesting results. A group of students was asked to attend a series of lectures and sit relaxed and at ease during the lectures, without throwing one foot over the other and not crossing arms on the chest. At the end of the lecture, a test for assimilation and memorization of the material was conducted, and the students' attitude to the lecturer was recorded. The second group of students did the same, only they listened to lectures with their arms crossed, tightly clenched. The results showed that the second group absorbed 38% less information than the first. In the second group, the opinion about the lecturer and the lecture itself was more critical.

These studies show that when the listener crosses his arms over his chest, he not only develops a negative attitude towards the speaker, but he also pays less attention to what he hears.Therefore, all training centers should have chairs with armrests in the classrooms, which will allow students to sit with their arms crossed on their chest.

Many people claim that they have a habit of folding their arms over their chests because it is a comfortable pose. Any gesture will be convenient if it matches your mood, that is, if you have a nervous, critical state, this gesture will seem very convenient for your mood.

Remember that in the process of communication, non-verbal information received from a person has a great influence on the recipient. It may be convenient for you to sit with your arms crossed on your chest, or with a tense back and an elongated neck, but, as studies have shown, this has a negative effect on the recipient.

Crossed Arms - The Most Common Gesture

Hands in the lock on the chest express an attempt to hide from an adverse situation. The position of the hands with this gesture can be the most diverse, in this book we will discuss the three most characteristic positions. A typical, standard crossing of hands is a universal gesture, almost everywhere indicating the defense or negative state of a person doing this gesture. You can always see him, watching a person in a crowd of strangers at public meetings, in lines, in cafeterias, in elevators and other places where people feel insecure and insecure.

Recently, during a lecture, I did the following experiment: at the beginning of the lecture, I specifically began to denigrate several people well-known and respected among those present at the seminar. After the audience listened to the flow of my criticisms, I asked them to freeze in the pose in which they were at the time of the hearing. Imagine their amazement when they saw that 90% of them were sitting with their hands folded on their chests, and they did it immediately after my verbal attack on the people they respected began. This clearly shows that most people take this pose when they disagree with what they hear. It often happens that public figures cannot infect an audience with their speech solely because they do not pay attention to the crossed position of their hands. Experienced speakers know that with this gesture it is necessary to take measures to “warm”, “thaw” the audience. It is imperative that people adopt a more receptive posture and change their attitude towards the speaker.

When, when you are talking face to face, you see that your interlocutor is crossing his arms over his chest, you should conclude that you said something that your interlocutor does not agree with. Despite the fact that in words he will express agreement with you. The fact is that non-verbal means of communication cannot lie, while verbal means can. At this point, you should try to find out the reason for his gesture and encourage the person to take a more comfortable posture. Remember: as long as a person keeps his arms crossed on his chest, he will maintain a negative position. A tense internal state forces a person to accept this gesture, and maintaining the gesture maintains internal tension.

A simple but effective way to get a person to open their hands is to give them a pen, a book, paper, any object, taking which he will stretch his hands forward. Thus, he will take a more open position, and his attitude will change. You can also ask a person to lean forward in order to better consider some thing, as a result of which he will also open his hands. Another useful trick would be to lean forward with open hands and the question: “I see that you have questions. What would you like to ask?” Or “What do you think about this?” And then lean back in the chair, indicating that it was his turn to speak.By showing your palms to him for review, you are reporting in a non-verbal way that you would like an open and honest answer from your partner. As a sales agent, I never continued to present my product after I saw that my potential buyer unexpectedly folded his arms, and tried to find out the reason why he did it. Moreover, I was able to notice when the buyer had a hidden objection, which other agents would probably never have noticed, because they do not pay attention to non-verbal signals that indicate disagreement.

Crossing Hands Strengthened By Finger Compression

If, in addition to crossing his arms on his chest, a man still clenches his fingers into a fist, this indicates his hostile and offensive position. Often this is accompanied by gritted teeth and a reddened face, in which case a verbal or physical attack may follow. A soothing gesture with open hands is needed to discover the cause of such hostile gestures (if you don't already know it). A person using a series of these gestures is in the attacking V position, in contrast to the person in Figure 67, who has taken a defensive, defensive position by crossing his arms over his chest.

Crossed Hands on the Shoulder of the Arm

You may notice that this type of crossed arms is characterized by the fact that the hands are pressed into the shoulder of the opposite arm in order to fix the position of the arms, to exclude any attempt to unclench the arms and expose the chest under attack. The hands can stick so tightly into the shoulder that the fingers and phalanges of the fingers turn white because blood does not flow to them.

This gesture can often be seen in the waiting room of a doctor or dentist, or in the cabin before taking off for people first flying on an airplane. It means containing negative feelings.

Among lawyers, one can observe the situation when the prosecutor and the defense attorney folded both hands on his chest, but the prosecutor’s fingers are clenched into a fist, while the defense attorney’s arms are encircled.

Social status influences the nature of the gesture associated with the crossing of hands. A person in a higher social position can emphasize his superiority by constantly holding his arms crossed in the presence of people just introduced to him. Let’s say that at the official reception, the chief manager was just introduced to several new employees with whom he had not previously been familiar. Having greeted them with a dominant handshake, he moves away from them to the distance of the social zone, and holds his hands behind his back, laying them in a pose characteristic of the boss, or holds one hand in his pocket. He does not keep his arms crossed because he is nervous. New members of the company, on the other hand, having said hello to the boss, will take the pose of their arms fully or partially crossed, because they are in the presence of a high-ranking official. Both the CEO and new employees feel comfortable performing certain gestures, as each demonstrates their social status relative to the other. But what happens if the chief manager meets a young, promising head of the department, who can even pretend that he is no less important in position than the chief manager. In all likelihood, after both shake hands in power, the young administrator will fold his arms over his chest, with his thumbs upright (fig. 7O). This defensive gesture is a modification of the gesture in which both thumbs of the arms extended horizontally forward are set up, which indicates the person’s confidence and self-control. This gesture was used by Henry Winklers in the television series Happy Days. When we raise our thumbs up, we show that we feel confident, and our crossed arms give a feeling of security.

Sellers should analyze the situation when they see that the buyer made this gesture and see if they are negotiating correctly. If the gesture, with the use of vertically placed thumbs, appeared at the end of the presentation of the product, and if it is accompanied by a number of other positive gestures on the part of the buyer, then the sales agent can safely complete the presentation and talk about the order. If, at the end of the presentation, the buyer takes a pose of arms crossed with clenched fists and makes a completely blank face, you should not ask about the order, otherwise there may be tragic consequences. Instead, it’s better to return to the presentation of the product and ask a few questions to find out what the buyer’s objection is. In negotiations for the sale, it is very difficult to get the buyer to change his mind if he said: “No.” The ability to understand body language allows you to see that a person made a negative decision before he pronounces it, and this gives you the opportunity and time to change the course of things.

People wearing bulletproof vests rarely use hand-crossed gestures as a means of self-defense because their weapons or protective vests provide a reliable means of protection. Police officers armed with pistols, for example, very rarely use arms crossed on their chests, unless they are standing at the post, while they clench their fingers into fists to show that no one will go where they are.

Incomplete Barrier formed by Hands

If you use the full gesture of crossing your arms, it will become obvious to those around you that you feel a sense of fear. Sometimes we replace it with partial, incomplete crossing, in which one arm is placed across the body, holding on to the other arm. This results in a barrier (see Fig. 72).

A person often uses a barrier from his hands, being in the company of strangers, or in the absence of self-confidence. Another common option for an incomplete barrier is a gesture in which a person holds his hands. This gesture is usually used by people in front of a large audience when receiving an award or making a speech. Desmond Morris says that this gesture allows a person to restore the sense of emotional security that he experienced in childhood, when his parents held his hand in dangerous circumstances.

Masked Hand Crossing Gestures

Disguised gestures associated with crossing their arms are very sophisticated, advanced gestures, which are resorted to by people who are constantly in the spotlight. This category of people includes politicians, salespeople, television commentators and others who do not want their viewers to notice their insecurity or nervousness. To make this gesture, the hand moves across the body towards the other hand, but instead of grasping this hand, it touches a handbag, bracelet, watch, cufflinks or some other object located on or next to the opposite hand. Once again, a barrier forms and the state of security is asserted. When cufflinks were fashionable, it was often possible to see how men corrected them at that moment, as they had to pass through a room or a dance hall in front of everyone. Now cufflinks are out of fashion and men are adjusting the watch strap, checking the contents of their wallets, rubbing their hands, playing a button on the cuff or using any other excuse that allows them to hold their hands across the body that a person holds his hands. This gesture is usually used by people in front of a large audience when receiving an award or making a speech.Desmond Morris says that this gesture allows a person to restore the sense of emotional security that he experienced in childhood, when his parents held his hand in dangerous circumstances.

Crossing Feet

Like protective barriers formed with the help of hands, crossing the legs is a sign of a person’s negative or defensive attitude.

Crossing the arms on the chest was originally associated with the function of protecting the area of ​​the heart and chest, and crossing the legs is an attempt to protect the genital area. In addition, the crossing of the arms indicates a more negative mood of a person than the crossing of the legs, and the crossed arms are more evident. Caution should be taken in interpreting this gesture among women, since in childhood they were taught to sit like that because "this is how ladies sit." Unfortunately, this manner can be construed as an attempt at defense.

There are two main postures with legs crossed in a sitting position - the (classic) standard leg-to-leg posture and the posture when the leg is rolled up resembles the number “4”.

European Foot Toe Method

One leg rests neatly on the other, usually right on the left - this is the normal position of the crossed legs used by Europeans, and can be used to express an excited state, restrained or protective position. This, however, is one of the auxiliary gestures, which is accompanied by other negative gestures, and should not be interpreted in isolation from the context. For example, people often sit cross-legged during lectures or during long sitting in uncomfortable chairs.

Often people use this gesture in cold weather. When a crossed leg is accompanied by a cross of arms on the chest, this means that the person has "disconnected" from the conversation. It would be foolish for a salesman to even try to ask a buyer who has taken such a pose about his decision, and several clarifying questions should be asked to clarify his objections. This pose is very popular with women all over the world, especially if they want to express their dissatisfaction with her husband or friend.

Toe-on-Toe with Angle Formation

This method of toe-to-toe testifies to the fact that there is a spirit of rivalry and contradiction. This way of sitting is very popular among male Americans who have a fighting character. Therefore, when dealing with Americans, it is difficult to determine whether they are making any sense in this gesture or not, but there is no such problem with the British.

Recently, I attended a series of meetings attended by 100 managers and 500 sales staff. A very controversial issue was discussed - the attitude of the corporation to its sales agents. One person from a team of agents, known to the audience for their reputation as “ringleaders,” was asked to speak. As soon as he stood on the podium, all managers, without exception, took up a defensive position (as shown in Fig. 77). This meant that they were afraid of ideas that, in their opinion, the speaker was going to express. Their concerns were well founded. This salesman is a metal thunder and lightning about the poor quality of management in most corporations in this industry and said that, in his opinion, this leads to personnel problems. During his speech, the rest of the salespeople leaned forward, which expresses a strong interest. Many made evaluative gestures, but managers steadfastly held a defensive posture. Then the speaker changed the subject, expressing his opinion on what should be the relationship between the two parties. Immediately, as if by the movement of the conductor’s wand, the position of the managers changed to an argumentative-opposing one.

It was obvious that they did not internally agree with the point of view of the opposite side, and later many confirmed that this was exactly the case. I noticed, however, that several managers did not accept this position.After the meeting, I asked them why they did not, and they explained that, although they also did not agree with the speaker, they could not sit cross-legged because of their obesity or arthritis.

It would be unreasonable for the sales agent to end the presentation and ask about the order if the buyer took such a pose. He should openly address the buyer, leaning forward, palms up, and say: “I see you have any ideas on this. I would be interested to know your opinion. ” And then lean back, showing that it was the turn for the buyer to speak out on the problem. This allows the buyer to express their opinion. Sometimes women, if they are in trousers or jeans, can sit with their legs crossed so that the bent leg resembles the number "4".

Crossed Legs Standing.

The next time you attend a meeting or reception, pay attention to a small group of people standing with their legs crossed and their arms folded across their chests.

When observing, you will see that they all stand at a much greater distance from each other than is customary and, if they are dressed in a jacket or jacket, the buttons will be tightly fastened. If you asked these people, you would find that either one of them or all of them are not familiar with each other. That is how people stand if there is a stranger among them.

And now pay attention to another small group in which people stand with relaxed hands, open palms, unbuttoned jackets, relaxed facial expressions, resting on one leg, while the other leg is turned with the toe towards the other members of the group. All members of this group easily penetrate each other's intimate zones. With careful observation, it becomes clear that people in this group are personally acquainted with each other or are friends. It is interesting to note that people standing with arms and legs crossed can have an unstressed expression and it seems that their conversation is flowing easily and naturally, but their posture indicates that they are tense or unsure of themselves.

Next time, joining a group of strangers who are standing in an open, friendly manner, stand in a pose with legs crossed and arms folded across the chest. One by one, the other members of the group will also take this pose and will remain in it until you move away from them. Then step aside and see how, one by one, the group members will once again take their original open pose.

Stages of Relaxation Stressful Pose

As soon as people begin to feel comfortable and get closer to others, they obey an unwritten law, according to which the protective posture is changed to an open, relaxed one.

Stage 1. Protective posture, arms and legs crossed.

Stage 2. The legs are no longer crossed, and the feet are in a neutral position.

Stage 3. The hand, located on top, emerges from the lock of hands, the palm flickers during a conversation, but does not return to the castle.

Stage 4. The hands are already open, and one hand freely gestures, it can go to the hip or pocket.

Stage 5. One person puts the foot back and the other foot forward so that it points toe at the person who is of interest to him.

Under the influence of alcohol, this process can go faster, or some stages may be lost.

Defends itself - or maybe it’s frozen?

Many people claim that they cross their arms and legs not because they feel the need to defend themselves, but simply because they are cold. This is just an excuse, and it is interesting to note that there is a difference between a person in a defensive position and a frozen person.

First of all, if a person wants to warm his hands, he usually pushes them under his armpit, and does not put them under his elbows, as is the case with a defense pose.

Second, when a person freezes, he can wrap himself in his arms. If his legs are crossed, they are usually straight, tense and closely pressed to each other, which will differ from the more relaxed position of the legs in a protective position.

People who have the habit of crossing their arms and legs prefer. to claim that they are either frozen, or simply feel much more comfortable in this position. It is difficult for them to admit that they are nervous, embarrassed or protected from negative feelings.

Pressed To Each Other Ankles

Arms crossed or folded across the chest, legs crossed, suggest that the person is in a defensive or negative state, but the same thing can be expressed using the ankles brought together. In men, pressed ankles are usually combined with tightly clenched fists lying on the knees, or hands can bite into the arms of the chair. The female version is slightly different: the knees are brought together, the legs can be inclined to one side, the arms lie either parallel to each other on the knees, or one hand on top of the other.

More than a decade-long practice of communicating with people during business negotiations has shown that when your interlocutor pinches his ankles, this is equivalent to his "biting his lips." With this gesture, negative attitudes, unpleasant emotions, fear, or emotion are restrained. For example, my friend, a lawyer, told me that he often noticed that while giving testimony in the investigator’s office, all the people involved in the case were sitting with their ankles tightly pressed. He also noticed that at this moment they are ready to say something important, or are trying to control their emotional state.

When conducting interviews with applicants for a vacant position, we noticed that most of them at some certain point in the interview necessarily made this gesture, from which it was clear that they were holding back their excitement. When we began to study the nature of this gesture, we found out that talking about a person’s inner experiences does not help relax his ankles, and, accordingly, his thoughts. But then we noticed that if the interviewer comes to the visitor’s table and sits next to him so that the table doesn’t separate them, his legs immediately relax, and the conversation takes on a frank, more personal character.

Recently, we advised one firm on the efficient use of the telephone to communicate with customers. We happened to talk with a young man whose job was to ring up customers who did not pay the bills. We watched his work and, although his voice sounded relaxed, we noticed that his ankles were closely pressed to each other. I asked: “Do you like this work?” He replied: “Oh yes, this is a wonderful work.” The aforesaid, however, did not correspond to his non-verbal signals, although he spoke very convincingly. “Are you sure?” I asked. After a short pause, he relaxed his legs, turned to me, and, opening his palms, said: “In fact, she drives me crazy!” He further told me that during the conversations some clients were rude to him, and he had to restrain his emotions so that his condition was not transferred to other clients. It is interesting to note that those sales agents who do not like to talk on the phone, while sitting in a pose with tight ankles.

Well-known negotiating researchers Nirenberg and Calero found that when one participant clamped ankles during negotiations, it meant that he “clamped” the price concession. They found that using negotiation techniques could influence a partner by forcing him to unclench his ankles and make a concession.

Some people claim that they have a habit of sitting with their ankles pressed down (or in any of the poses with arms and legs crossed), because this is how they feel comfortable.If you also relate to these people, pay attention to the fact that your arms and legs will feel comfortable when you take a defensive, negative or restrained posture. Considering that a negative gesture can strengthen and prolong negative emotions, as well as the fact that other people may think that you are negative, I would advise you to learn how to use positive and open gestures to strengthen your self-confidence and improve relationships with other people.

Women who were teenagers in the era of miniskirts and wore a miniskirt clasped their legs and ankles for obvious reasons. Thanks to this habit, many women still sit in this position, which may be misinterpreted by others: people can be wary of them. Therefore, before making any conclusions, it is important to take into account women's fashion trends, in particular, how this affects the position of the woman's legs.

Fixing the Feet of One Leg on the Shin of the Other

This gesture is used almost exclusively by women. The foot of one leg wraps around the other leg to strengthen the defensive position. And when this gesture appears, you can be sure that the woman inwardly shrank and went into herself, like a tortoise under a shell. A gentle, friendly and warm approach is required if you are hoping to open this clip.

This behavior is characteristic of shy and modest women. I recall the case when a young insurance agent tried to take out insurance for a young couple. This attempt was unsuccessful, and he could not understand why it failed: he seemed to follow all the rules of the sale. I pointed out to him that he had not noticed how the woman sat throughout the conversation, wrapping her leg tightly around her leg. If the insurance agent paid attention to this gesture, he would be able to interest her in the benefits of such insurance and achieve better results.

Horseback Chair

Many centuries ago, men used shields to defend themselves against the spears and batons of enemies, and today a civilized man uses everything that comes to hand for such a symbolic shield with which he defends himself from physical or verbal attacks. This can be shelter behind a fence, door, table, open door of the car or the back of a chair while sitting on top of it. The back of a chair serves as a protective measure and can turn it into an aggressive, attacking warrior.

Most horse-riding enthusiasts are people of a dominant type who try to control and dominate people if they are bored by the topic of conversation, and the back of the chair serves as a good defense against any attack from others. This is a very cautious person and can completely imperceptibly and unexpectedly sit on a chair on horseback.

The easiest way to disarm the rider is to stand or sit behind it, from which it will feel the rear is vulnerable in the event of an attack and will change its position, becoming less aggressive. It is especially good to do this as a group, then the insecurity of the back will surely cause the rider to change his position.

But how will you act in a one-on-one situation with such a person if he sits on a swivel chair? It is useless to try to tempt him, especially if he is spinning, like on a carousel, in his chair? It is best to use non-verbal means of attack.

Conduct a conversation, standing above him, and look at him from top to bottom, stepping on his personal territory. This will unsettle him so much that he may even fall off his chair, trying to resist an attempt to force him to change his pose.

If an amateur came to sit on a chair “on horseback” and his aggressive manner annoys you, try to transfer him to a stable chair with armrests that will prevent him from taking his favorite pose.

Gathering Non-Existing Villi

When a person does not agree with the opinion or attitude of other people, but does not dare to express his point of view, he does it.

gestures called repression gestures, i.e. they appear as a result of restraining one's opinion. Gathering, plucking non-existent villi from clothes is one such gesture. The person plucking the villi usually sits with his eyes turned away from the others and looks at the floor, while at the same time he is busy with his small, insignificant business. This is the most popular gesture of disapproval, and when the listener constantly plucks the villi from his clothes, this is a sure sign that he I don’t like everything that is said here, even if in words he practically agrees with everything.

Turning your palms towards him, say: “What do you think?” Or “I see that you have some thoughts about this. Please share. ” Sit back in a chair, palms visible, and wait for an answer. If a person says that he agrees with you, but continues to pluck the villi, you can ask him directly about the objection, which he does not dare to raise.

Gestures of the Head

This book would not be complete without a discussion of the main head movements, of which the two most frequently used are the affirmative nod of the head and the negative shake of the head.

An affirmative nod of the head is a positive gesture used in many countries to indicate “Yes” or approval.

Studies conducted with people from birth by the deaf, dumb and blind show that they also use this gesture to express a statement, which gave reason to believe that this gesture is innate. A negative head shake with the value “No” is also considered by many to be an innate gesture, however, a number of scientists believe that this is the first acquired gesture of a person.

They claim that when the baby gets milk, he turns his head from side to side, pushing away the mother’s chest. Similarly, when a small child is full, he turns away from the spoon, turning his head from side to side.

The easiest way to recognize a hidden objection is to see if the person is using the negative shake of his head when he verbally expresses his consent with you. Take, for example, the person who says: “Yes, I understand your point of view” or “I really like working here” or “We will definitely start our business after Christmas,” and at that time he shakes his head from side to side. Even if his voice sounds convincing, the signal given by the head indicates a negative attitude, and I would advise you not to believe what he said and ask some clarifying question.

Key Positions

There are three main positions of the head. The first is a straight head. This position of the head is characteristic of a person who is neutral in relation to what he hears. The head is usually motionless, and from time to time small head nods are made. With this position of the head, hand-to-face evaluative gestures are often used.

When the head is tilted to the side, this indicates that the person has aroused interest. Charles Darwin was one of the first to notice that people, like animals, tilt their heads to the side when they become interested in something. If you are making a presentation of a product or giving a speech, keep an eye on whether this gesture has appeared in your audience. When you see that they have tilted their heads to one side and their bodies forward, and rest their chin on their hand, then you have achieved your goal. Women use this head position to show their interest in an attractive man. When they come to you, all you have to do is tilt your head to the side and nod your head from time to time. In this way, you will gain favor with the speaker.

If the head is tilted down, this indicates that the person’s attitude is negative, and even condemning. A low tilt of the head is usually accompanied by a series of gestures of critical evaluation until you make a person raise his head or tilt it to one side, you will have problems communicating with this person. If you often have to speak in front of an audience, you can often watch how all the people in the room can sit with their heads down and their arms folded over their chests. Professional lecturers and teachers usually do something to increase the interest of the audience before starting their presentation. This requires that the heads of the audience rise, and people become more attentive. If the trick failed, the position of the goals of the audience will change to tilted to the side.

Laying Hands for the Head

This gesture is typical for people of such specialties as accountants, lawyers, trade managers, bank managers or for confident people with a sense of superiority over others: If you could read his mind, you would read: “I know everything” or “ Maybe someday you will be as successful as I "or even" I am in control of the situation. " This gesture is also characteristic of “know-it-alls,” and many people get annoyed when someone shows this gesture in front of them. Lawyers often in their midst can demonstrate this gesture to show how knowledgeable they are. It can also be used as a territorial sign by which a person emphasizes that he “staked out” this territory. The man in fig. 93.

in addition to this gesture, he crossed his legs in the form of the number “4”, which indicates that he not only feels his superiority over others, but is also inclined to discuss and argue.

There are several ways to interact with people who demonstrate this gesture, it depends on the specific circumstances. If you want to find out the reason why a person behaves with a sense of superiority, lean forward with outstretched palms and say: “I see that you know this. Could you comment on this problem? ”Then sit back, leave your palms in the field of view and wait for an answer.

Another way is to force a person to change his posture, which in turn will cause a change in his attitude. To do this, you can take some object and, setting aside a large distance from it, ask: “Have you not seen this?”, Forcing it to lean forward. A good way to interact is to copy his gesture. If you want to show that you agree with the interlocutor, all you need to do is repeat his pose.

On the other hand, if a person in the "hands behind the head" position makes a remark or imposes a penalty, you should not copy his gesture so as not to piss him off. For example, two lawyers use this gesture in front of each other to emphasize their equality and coordination of actions, but the bully boy will infuriate the school principal if he puts his hands behind his head in his office. The nature of this gesture is unknown, but probably the hands are used to form an imaginary chair in which a person plunges and relaxes.

In the process of examining this gesture, we found that in one insurance company twenty-seven out of thirty managers regularly showed this gesture in the presence of their subordinates - insurance agents, but rarely put their hands behind their heads in the presence of superior persons. In their presence, the same managers used a set of submissive and submissive and protective gestures.

Gestures of Aggressiveness and Readiness for Actions

What gestures are used in the following situations: a child arguing with his parents, an athlete awaiting the start of the competition, and a boxer in the locker room waiting for the start of the round?

In each case, a person stands in a "hands on waist" pose, since this is one of the most characteristic gestures used by a person to convey an aggressive attitude. Some researchers call this gesture “readiness,” which is correct in some respects, but the main meaning of this gesture is aggressiveness. This posture is also called the “piercing” stance, referring to a focused person who takes such a pose when he is ready to achieve his goal. These observations are true, because in both cases the person is ready to act, but this readiness is still aggressive, offensive. Men often use this gesture in the presence of women to demonstrate their sexually challenging intent.

It is interesting to note that birds dry their feathers in order to become larger when they fight or care for a female; people use the “hands on a belt” gesture for the same purpose, i.e. to become larger. Men use this as a non-verbal challenge to other men who violate their territorial law.

In order to draw the right conclusions regarding the intentions of a person who puts his hands on his belt, it is necessary to consider the circumstances in which this happens and observe the previous gestures. A series of subsequent gestures can strengthen your opinion. For example, is the jacket unfastened and the floor of the jacket folded back, or is it buttoned up when the person puts his hands on his belt? Aggressive pose with a buttoned jacket shows a strong upset, while an unbuttoned jacket and folded tails are a purely aggressive pose, because a person opens the area of ​​the heart and throat, showing verbally fearlessness. This posture can be more strengthened if the person spreads his legs wide or clenches his fingers into fists.

Gestures of aggressive readiness are used by professional fashion models to convey that their clothes are designed for a modern, aggressive, enterprising woman. Sometimes this gesture is done only with one hand on the hip, the other hand takes a different position. With this gesture, gestures of critical evaluation are often observed.

Expression of Preparedness by a Seated Man

One of the most valuable gestures that you can learn to recognize is an expression of willingness from a standing person. When presenting a product, for example, if a potential buyer makes such a gesture at the end of the presentation, and the negotiations have successfully reached this point, the sales agent can request an order and can expect to receive it. The video recording of insurance agents negotiating with their clients showed that every time the gesture “stroking the chin” (making a decision) was replaced by a pose of readiness, the client bought an insurance policy. And vice versa, if at the closing of the presentation the client, after stroking the chin, adopted the pose of arms crossed on his chest, the deal did not end in success. Unfortunately, most training centers teach agents only to request an order, but they do not teach them to observe the client’s posture and gestures. The ability to recognize gestures such as readiness not only helps the business, but also helps to attract as many people as possible to this business. A sitting posture of readiness is also characteristic of an angry person who is ready for anything, even to throw you out of here. A set of previous gestures will allow you to correctly assess the intentions of a person.

Starting pose

Gestures of readiness, signaling a desire to end a conversation or meeting, are expressed by feeding the body forward, with both hands lying on their knees, or both hands holding on to the side edges of the chair. If any of these gestures appears during a conversation, it would be wise for you to take the initiative in your own hands and be the first to offer to end the conversation. This will allow you to maintain a psychological advantage and control the situation.

Sexy Defiant Pose

Sexual aggressive posture is expressed by the following gesture - the thumbs are shut up for the belt or for the slots in the pockets. This is one of the most popular gestures used by television western actors to show the masculinity of their favorite gangster heroes. The hands are in a ready position and serve as a center of attraction for attention, emphasizing the genital area. Men use this gesture to mark their territory or show other men that they are not afraid of them. When a gesture is used in the presence of women, it can be interpreted as follows: “I am a man. I rule over you. "

This gesture, combined with dilated pupils and, if at the same time, the toe of one leg is directed toward the woman, is well understood by many women. It is thanks to this gesture that all the intentions of the man become apparent, because in such a non-verbal way they explicitly tell the woman what is on their mind. These gestures were always considered purely masculine, but when women began to wear jeans and trousers, they also began to use this gesture, although they only do this when they are wearing trousers or jeans. When a woman is wearing a dress or something else, a sexually-minded woman puts her thumb over a strap or pocket slot.

Figure 102 shows two men evaluating each other using characteristic gestures - hands on their hips and fingers on their belts. Considering that they both turned away from each other and the lower halves of their bodies are not strained, it can be assumed that men subconsciously evaluate each other, and that the attack is unlikely.

Their conversation may be neutral or friendly, but it will not become fully confidential until the gestures “hands on hips” disappear and gestures of open palms appear.

If these men were standing directly opposite each other, and their legs would rest firmly on the ground, a fight would be more likely.

Chapter IX Eye Signals

For many centuries, mankind has been reflecting on the meaning of the view and its effect on human behavior. We all use phrases such as “She has big children's eyes,” “She has a captivating look,” “She cast an angry look at him,” “She has rolling eyes,” “He has such a gleam in his eyes,” or “He makes me jinxed it. "

When we say this, we mean the size of the pupils of a person and the behavior of his eyes. In his book “Expressive Eyes,” Hess says that with the help of the eyes the most accurate and open signals of all signals of human communication are transmitted, because they occupy a central position in the human body, and the pupils behave completely independently.

In daylight, the pupils can expand and contract depending on how the person’s attitude and mood changes from positive to negative, and vice versa. When a person is aroused, his pupils dilate four times against the normal state. On the contrary, an angry, gloomy mood causes the pupils to contract, and so-called “bead eyes” or “snake” eyes are obtained. Eyes play a big role in courtship, women let their eyes down for their expressiveness. If a woman loves a man, then when he sees her, the pupils dilate, and he correctly decrypts this sign, not knowing how he does it. Therefore, romantic dates are often arranged in darkened, poorly lit places, which allows the pupils to expand.

Young lovers look intently at each other's eyes, subconsciously waiting for the pupils to expand, each one becomes excited by the expanding pupils of the other. Studies have shown that if men show pornographic films depicting men and women in a sexual position, their pupils dilate almost 3 times against the normal state.When the same films are shown to women, their pupils dilate even more than for men, which refutes the theory that women are less excited by pornography than men.

Pupils have larger pupils than young adults, and their pupils are constantly expanding in the presence of adults, because children tend to gain their constant attention, and for this you need to look more attractive.

Experiments with qualified card players showed that few of the players won if their opponents wore dark glasses. For example, if an opponent had four aces when playing poker, his pupils would quickly expand, which would be subconsciously noticed by another player, and he would understand that he better not raise the bet on the next move. The opponent’s dark glasses hid the signals given by the pupils, and as a result, the players lost more often than usual.

In ancient times, Chinese pearl merchants also watched their pupils dilate when negotiating prices. Several centuries ago, prostitutes buried belladonna in their eyes to make the pupils expand and look more desirable and attractive. It was noticed that Aristotle Onassis wore dark glasses when negotiating business deals so that his eyes did not betray his thoughts.

An old saying goes: “Look into a person’s eyes when you talk to him.” When you are talking with people or negotiating, learn to look into the pupil, and the pupil will tell you the truth about the thoughts of the person.

Eye Behavior

The basis for real communication can be established only when you communicate face-to-face with a person. If while communicating with some people you feel comfortable, then with others you feel uncomfortable and incredulous. This is mainly due to the way they look at you, the length of their gaze, and how long they can hold your gaze.

If a person is dishonest or hides something, his eyes meet yours in less than 1/3 of the total time of communication. If a person’s gaze meets your eyes for more than 2/3 of the time, this can mean one of two things: first, he or she considers you very interesting or attractive, in this case the pupils of the eyes will be dilated, and secondly, he or she is hostile to and they challenge you nonverbally, in which case the pupils will be narrowed. Argyle found that if person A likes person B, then he will often look at him. This prompts B to think that he likes A, so in turn he will fall in love with A. In other words, in order to build good relations with another person, your gaze should meet with his gaze about 60-70% of the total time of communication. This will make him love you too. It is not surprising, therefore, that a shackled, modest person who meets your eyes for less than 1/3 of the time is rarely trusted. In negotiations, you should never wear dark glasses, because others will have the feeling that they are "being examined point-blank.

As the language of body movements differs among different peoples, the longitude of a person’s gaze depends on which nation he belongs to. Residents of southern Europe have a high frequency of gaze, which may seem offensive to others, and the Japanese look in the neck rather than the face when talking. Always make a discount on nationality before drawing any conclusions.

But not only the longitude and frequency of the gaze are important, but also the geographical area of ​​the face and body that the gaze is directed to, as this also affects the outcome of the negotiations. These signals are transmitted and absorbed with the help of non-verbalics, and are usually quite accurately interpreted by the interlocutors.

It takes about 30 days of constant intensive practice to learn the next “technology of sight” and effectively apply it to improve the nature of your communication with other people.

Business Look

When conducting business negotiations, imagine that there is a triangle on the forehead of your interlocutor. By directing your eyes to this triangle, you create a serious atmosphere, and the other person feels that you are set up in a businesslike way. Provided that your view does not fall below the eyes of another person, you will be able to control the progress of negotiations with the help of a look.

Social Look

If your gaze falls below the level of the eyes of another person, an atmosphere of social communication is created. Experiments on the study of gaze features have shown that during social communication, the eyes also look at the symbolic triangle on the person’s face, in this case located on the line of the eyes and mouth.

Intimate Look

This look passes through the line of the eyes and descends below the chin to other parts of the interlocutor's body. With close communication, this triangle descends from the eyes to the chest, and with distant communication, from the eyes to the perineum. Men and women with this look show their interest in a person, and if he is also interested, then he will answer with the same look.

Sight of Iskos

A squint is used to convey interest or hostility. If accompanied by slightly raised eyebrows or a smile, it means interest and is often used to lure. If it is accompanied by a downcast eyebrow, a frowning forehead or a lowered corner of the mouth, it means a suspicious, hostile or critical attitude.


Of great importance for the outcome of a face-to-face meeting is the part of the human body that you are directing your gaze to. If you were the manager, reporting your lazy subordinate, what kind of look would you choose? If you choose a social look, it will not pay any attention to your words, no matter how loud and menacing you are.

A social look will deprive your words of any support, and an intimate look will either perplex or embarrass your employee. The most appropriate look would be a business look, because it can have a strong influence on your addressee and will tell him that you are very serious.

When men say that women look at them “invitingly,” they mean squinting or an intimate look. If a man or woman wants to say that they are inaccessible, the only thing they need to do is to avoid an intimate look, and instead use only a social look. If you take a business look during your courtship, you run the risk of being considered cold and unfriendly. The fact is that when you look at a potential sex partner with an intimate look, you immediately give out your intentions. Women know very well how to send and understand this kind of views, but men, unfortunately, do not know how to do this. In men, an intimate look is usually too noticeable, but they themselves do not notice when they look at them with an intimate look, much to the chagrin of women who sent this look.

Covered eyelids

Most of all we are annoyed by people who lower their eyelids during a conversation. This gesture is subconscious and is an attempt by a person to remove you from his field of vision, because you are tired of him or become uninteresting, or he feels his superiority over you. At a normal blink rate of 6-8 times per minute, this person's eyelids close for a second or more, as if the person instantly erases you from his memory. The maximum degree of disconnection can occur if a person closes his eyes and falls asleep, but this rarely happens when meeting face to face.

If a person emphasizes his superiority over you, his covered eyelids are combined with his head thrown back and a long look, known as a downward glance. If you noticed this look from your interlocutor, keep in mind that your behavior causes a negative reaction and you need to change something if you are interested in successfully ending the conversation.

How to control the look of the interlocutor

It makes sense to talk now about how to control a person’s gaze during the visual presentation of books, tables, graphs, etc. Studies show that 87% of the information goes into the human brain through the visual receptors, 9% through the auditory and 4% through the other senses. If, for example, you show a person your visual aid and at the same time talk about him, he will understand only 9% of your message, unless it is directly related to what he sees. If your message is connected with a visual aid, then when you look at it, he will learn only 25-30% of your message. To establish maximum control over his attention, use a pen or pointer to show on a visual aid and describe what is depicted. Then, remove the pen from the visual aid and keep it in the line of yours and his eyes. Like a magnet, his head will rise and he will look into your eyes, as a result of which he will see and hear everything that you tell him, and, therefore, absorb information as much as possible. Try to make the palm of the other hand in sight.

Chapter X Gestures and signals characteristic of the courtship process

I have a friend named Graham who has the talent that many men dream of. Whatever party he appears at, he always knows how to quickly figure out available women, and makes his choice in record time (sometimes in less than 10 minutes). He seeks her location, goes with her to the exit, puts him in a car and takes him away. I even saw that he could return to the party in an hour and repeat this amazing procedure two or three times in one evening. It seems like he has a built-in radar to detect the right woman at the right time and forcing her to obey him. Many do not understand the reason for its success. Perhaps there is such a Graham among your friends, and you asked yourself the same question.

Studies conducted by zoologists and behavioral scientists to study courtship processes among animals have revealed that females and males use a number of complex gestures when grooming, some of them are very explicit and others are very hidden, and that most of them are done unconsciously. In the animal world, the courtship process in each animal species proceeds according to a specific and predetermined pattern. For example, males of some species of birds walk in circles around the female, make various sounds, scoop feathers and make intricate movements to attract her attention. The female, at this time, shows absolutely no interest, or little interest in these games. The ritual of courtship in humans is not much different from the ritual of animals. Graham's receptions consisted in demonstrating courtship gestures characteristic of a male to all present women - potential partners. Those who show interest will answer him with appropriate gestures, courtship signals, non-verbally give Graham the opportunity to continue their courtship at a more intimate level.

The success of a person in sexual relations with individuals of the opposite sex depends on his ability to send courtship signals and recognize those that were sent to him. Women are sensitive to these gestures, as they are sensitive to almost all gestures of body language. Men are less susceptible, they sometimes remain completely “blind”, not noticing anything.

It is interesting to note that women described Graham as “sexual”, “courageous” and as a man “who makes you feel like a woman” - this is their reaction to his constant signals of courtship. Men, on the contrary, described him as an “aggressive, insincere and arrogant” person - this is their reaction to Graham’s aggressive rivalry.Consequently, he had too few friends among men, since, for obvious reasons, no man would tolerate an opponent in his claims to the attention of women.

People often ask what gestures and body movements people use to express their interest. We list the signals used by individuals of both sexes to attract potential sexual partners. You will notice that we will talk more about female signals than about male ones. This is because women have a wider range of courtship signals than men.

Some courtship symbols are intentional and acquired, while others are served unconsciously. It is difficult to explain how and where we learn these signals, but the theory is known that these gestures are innate.

Dr. Albert Sheflen in his article “Quasi-courtship in psychotherapy” writes that when a person enters the company of people of the opposite sex, certain psychological changes occur in him. He noticed that this person’s muscle tone is increasing: he’s getting ready for possible sexual contact, the bags under the eyes and on the face disappear, the person straightens, his chest bends forward, his stomach automatically retracts, his whole body stretches out, and he seems younger.

An ideal place to observe these changes is the beach, when a woman and a man approach each other from a certain distance. Changes occur at the moment when they come so close to each other that they meet with their eyes, and continue until they pass by each other, after which their previous position returns (Fig. 112 - 114).

Gestures Used by Men in Courts

A man begins to preen at the sight of a woman he likes, in a similar way to how it happens in animals. In addition to the automatic psychological reactions that we have already talked about, new gestures will appear - his hands will reach his neck to direct his tie. If he does not wear a tie, he can straighten his collar or brush off non-existent dust from his shoulder, straighten his cufflinks, shirt, jacket or other toilet article. He can also smooth his hair to look more attractive.

The most aggressive sexual manifestation of a man in relation to a woman will be a defiant gesture - putting his thumbs in his belt to accentuate the genital area (see. Fig. 100). He can also turn his body towards her and put his toe in her direction. He looks with an intimate gaze and holds his gaze for a split second longer than it should be. If he is truly interested, the pupils of his eyes will expand. Often he stands with his hands on his hips to emphasize his physical strength and show his willingness to interact with this woman. If he sits or leans against a wall, he can stretch his legs so that the genital area stands out.

When it comes to the ritual of courtship, the men in it succeed as much as the fisherman, standing knee-deep in the water and trying to catch the fish, pounding it with a stick on the head.

Women, as we shall see now, have more lures, and they have such skills in "fishing" that men have never dreamed of.

Gestures and Signals Used by Women to Attract Men

Women use the same preening gestures as men, including touching the hair, straightening clothes, one or both hands on the hips, legs and body turned toward the man, prolonged intimate gaze, and increased eye contact. They can also use a gesture with placing the thumbs behind the belt, which is purely masculine, but women use it more subtly, only one thumb is placed behind the belt, in the handbag or in the pocket slot. Excitation also causes dilated pupils and a blush on the cheeks.

Consider other gestures specific to women.

Wrist Show

A woman who is interested in a potential sexual partner will periodically show him the smooth, tender skin of her wrists. The wrist area has always been considered one of the most erogenous zones. When a woman speaks to a man, she tries to keep her palms in his field of vision. It is not difficult for women who smoke to demonstrate this teasing gesture to a man while smoking. Demonstration of the wrist and shaking of the hair are often copied by homosexuals who play the role of a woman.

Female Foot Crossing

Men often sit with their legs wide apart, defiantly showing the genital area, while women cross their legs to protect their delicate genital area. Women use three poses to express their playful, enticing behavior.

The first is a bent knee. In this case, the woman sits with one leg bent under the other and the point of the knee pointed at the person to whom she is interested. This is a very loose posture, which excludes all formalities and makes it possible to flirtatiously expose your knees.

Playing with a slipped shoe also speaks of a free pose, and phallic diving legs into the shoe and diving out of it is so sexy that it can drive many men crazy.

Most men believe that this interweaving of legs is the most attractive pose of a seated woman that you can think of. Women subconsciously use this gesture in order to attract attention to themselves. Doctor.

Sheflen found that one leg is closely pressed against the other to create a feeling of increased muscle tone, which, as already mentioned, is a condition of a person who is ready for sexual contact.

Women use other lures, such as slowly throwing their legs upside down in front of the man’s eyes and slowly returning them to a normal position, gently stroking the hips with your hand, indicating the expectation of touching men's hands. Often, the woman speaks in a low, low voice.


The smoking process is an external manifestation of an internal imbalance or conflict within a person, and has too little to do with attachment to nicotine absorption. This is one of the ways that modern people use in conditions of increased stress to ease the tension of their nerves, which accumulates in the process of social and business contacts. For example, most people experience internal stress while sitting in the dentist's waiting room waiting for tooth extraction. If the smoker smoothes out his stress by smoking, then the non-smoker will make other ritual gestures. He will brush off his clothes, bite his nails, bang with his fingers or toes, straighten his cufflinks, scratch his head, take off and put on a ring from his finger, twist a tie in his hands and demonstrate many other gestures that indicate that a person is nervous and needs support.

Smokers Pipes

Pipe smokers do many manipulations with her. Cleaning the pipe, lighting it, knocking the pipe out, filling it, blowing it, laying it down is a very good way to relieve tension if necessary. A study of the sales process showed that pipe smokers need more time to make a decision on the purchase of goods than cigarette smokers or non-smokers, and that the “pipe” ritual for the most part begins when tense moments arise in the presentation of the product. It seems that tube lovers are people who are prone to not make hasty decisions, who can escape the decision in a harmless and socially acceptable way. If you want to speed up the decision with the handset lovers, hide his handset before starting the conversation.

Cigarette Lovers

Like pipe smoking, smoking a cigarette is a way to suppress internal stress, allowing you to spend time before making a decision, but cigarette smokers usually make a decision faster than pipe makers. The pipe lover is, in fact, a smoker who needs more time to think about a solution than a cigarette allows. Cigarette ritual includes tapping, twisting, waving a cigarette and other mini-gestures, indicating that a person is experiencing stress more than usual.

One specific symptom indicates how a person relates to the prevailing circumstances - positively or negatively. This is the direction in which smoke is released from the mouth - up or down. A positively-minded, self-confident and self-righteous person will smoke upward almost constantly, and vice versa, a negatively-minded person, with secretive or suspicious thoughts, will almost always direct the jet downward. Blowing a stream of smoke down from the corner of the mouth indicates an even more negative and hidden attitude. At the same time, we exclude cases when the smoker releases a stream down so as not to smoke others, in which case he could turn away in any direction.

In feature films, the head of a criminal gang or gang of racketeers is usually portrayed as a cruel, aggressive person who, when he smokes, abruptly throws his head back and purposefully directs a stream of smoke at the ceiling, demonstrating his superiority over the rest of the gang members. On the other hand, often Humphren Bogart, playing the role of a gangster or a criminal, hid a cigarette in his palm and blew smoke down from the corner of his mouth when he was planning to escape from prison or other other criminal act. Whether a person is positive or negative can also be judged by the rate of smoke exhalation. The faster the jet is released upward, the more confident and arrogant a person feels, the faster the jet is exhaled downward, the more negatively a person is tuned. If, during the distribution of cards to the smoking player, good cards came, he will probably issue a jet up, and if bad cards come, he will issue it down. Some card players put on a face mask during the game in order not to give themselves away with a single muscle. Others like to bluff and use body language in order to mislead other players and lull their vigilance. If, for example, a poker player receives 4 aces and wants to bluff, he may displeasedly throw his cards face down on the table and begin to curse, shake his hands and play a non-verbal performance, which should show that he got bad cards. But then he quickly leans back in his chair, pulls out cigarettes, lights a cigarette and exhales smoke up. After reading this chapter, you now know that it would be better for other players to refrain from the next move, as their card will be a bit. Observations of smokers' gestures in the conditions of sale show that if you ask a smoking client about a decision, those who made a positive decision exhale smoke, while those who choose not to buy direct the jet down. The observant seller, seeing that the client exhales smoke down at the moment when he comes to the end of the presentation, will quickly begin once again listing all the advantages of the product in order to give the client time to change his mind.

Blowing smoke through the nostrils is a sign of an arrogant, self-confident person. The jet in this case goes down only due to the location of the nostrils, and a person often raises his head up, which makes him look even more arrogant. If a person’s head is tilted down when he blows smoke through his nose, it means that he is angry. With his outward fierce appearance at this moment, he resembles an angry bull.

Cigar Smokers

Cigars have always been used as a means of demonstrating their superiority and well-being, due to their high cost and impressive size.Big business dealers, gang leaders, and people of high social fang often smoke cigars. Cigars smoke at ceremonial banquets dedicated to important events such as having a baby, a wedding, making a big deal, or winning the lottery. Not surprisingly, smoking cigars direct smoke exclusively upward.

I recently attended a gala dinner that offered cigars, and noted with interest that out of 400 puffs, 320 were pointing up.

Common Gestures Specific to Smokers

The constant dumping of ash from the end of a cigar or cigarette onto an ashtray indicates a difficult internal state of a person and perhaps you need to calm him down. An interesting smoking phenomenon is also observed here. Most smokers pre-smoke a cigarette to a specific length and then quench it in an ashtray. If a smoker lights a cigarette and quenches it unexpectedly without having finished it to its usual length, he shows a desire to end the conversation. If you notice such a signal, you should take the situation into your own hands and end the conversation as if it was your idea to end it.

Glasses Manipulation

Almost any auxiliary tool used by a person can expose a person and reveal his thoughts, given the characteristic gestures that are made with this subject. This can be said about glasses. One of the most characteristic gestures is the insertion of the rim in the mouth.

Desmond Morris says that a person puts something in his mouth in order to once again experience the sense of security that he experienced as an infant on his mother’s chest. This means that sucking on the temples is actually a comforting gesture. Smokers use cigarettes for this, and the child sucks a finger.

Ways to Tighten Time

Like smoking a pipe, sucking on an earpiece can be used to ponder your decision. In terms of negotiations, as was noted, this gesture usually appears at the end of a conversation when a person is asked about a decision. People wearing glasses can use another way that gives them the opportunity to gain time - this is the constant removal and putting on glasses, wiping the lenses. When you observe such a gesture immediately after asking a person about his decision, it is best to be silent while waiting.

Gestures that may follow this gesture of reflection indicate the buyer's intentions and allow the observant person to correctly respond to them. For example, if a person puts on his glasses again, this often means that he wants to “look at” the facts again, and if he plays with the glasses and puts them aside, it means that he wants to end the conversation.

Look Over Glasses

In films shot in the early twenties, film actors used their gaze over glasses to portray a critical and judgmental attitude towards a person, like a teacher in an English public school. Often this gesture comes from the fact that the person wearing the reading glasses looks over the glasses because he does not want to take them off if he is talking to someone. But no matter who he looks with that look, a person will have a feeling that he is condemned and criticized. Looking over the glasses can be very expensive for you, as your interlocutor will inevitably respond to this view by crossing your arms, throwing your legs over the legs and the corresponding negative attitude. People wearing glasses should take them off when they are talking and wear them when they are listening. This not only has a calming effect on the interlocutor, but also allows someone who is wearing glasses to control the course of the conversation. His listener will quickly learn that when the glasses are removed, he should not interrupt the interlocutor, and when the glasses are worn, he can start talking.

Territorial Claims

People lean against objects or against each other in order to make their territorial claims on this object or person.If a person is leaning against something that does not belong to him, then this gesture is used as a challenge or desire to emphasize his superiority. For example, if you want to take a picture of your friend against the background of his new car, boat, house or some other property, you will definitely see how he will lean on his newly acquired property, put his foot on it or put his hand on it. When he touches his property, it becomes an extension of his body, and in this way he shows others that it belongs to him. Lovers constantly hold hands or cuddle in public in public to show others that they have a right to each other. The head of the department puts his legs on the table or on the drawers of the desk, and can also lean on the jamb of the front door in the office to emphasize his right to this office and its furniture.

However, there is a very simple way to suppress these claims - to lean against, sit down or use his property without his permission. In addition to such a frank invasion of the territory and encroachment on property, such as using the machine without permission and sitting at its table, you can use other very sophisticated suppressive methods. You can go into someone else's office and lean against the door jamb, or "accidentally" take his chair.

As mentioned above, a sales agent who comes to a client’s house, before sitting down, must ask the owner: “Where is your chair?”, Because if he takes his favorite place, it will make the buyer unkind to him, which will affect on the success of their deal negotiations.

Some people, like the person in fig. 128, for example, have the habit of leaning on the door frame, wherever they are, and from the very beginning they have never got along with other people. These people can be advised to develop the habit of standing upright, with their palms open. This will help them make a favorable impression on others. An impression of a stranger is 90% formed in the first 90 seconds of communication with him, and you will never have another opportunity to make a first impression!

Owner Gestures

The constant use of these gestures is committed by representatives of the administrative link. It has been observed that people who have just been appointed to a managerial position begin to use these gestures, despite the fact that they never did this before their promotion.

It would be natural to assume that the person in Fig. 129 is in a relaxed, free and nonchalant position, all the more so since it is so. A leg thrown on the arm of a chair speaks of the person’s right to possess both this chair and the surrounding area. It also means that the rules of strict etiquette can be slightly neglected at the moment.

Often you can see two close friends sitting in such a pose, laughing and joking with each other, but let's think about what significance this gesture can have in other circumstances. Let us take this specific situation: an ordinary employee has a personal problem, and he is sent to his boss’s office to consult on her possible solution. When he talks about his problem, he leans forward slightly on the chair, hands on his knees, his head tilted down, a dejected look, and his voice is quiet and low. The boss listens attentively, sits motionless, then suddenly leans back in the chair and throws his leg over the arm of the chair. At that moment, the boss’s attitude to your problem has changed dramatically, and he has lost all interest in her, as evidenced by his careless posture. In other words, the boss does not care about his subordinate or his problem, and he may even have the feeling that he is wasting his time in this “familiar story”.

One should ask the following question: why did the boss become so indifferent? Perhaps he considered the problem of his employee and decided that it was not important, maybe he had lost interest in the person himself. Remaining in this position with his leg thrown over, he will probably keep a worried expression on his face during the conversation, trying to hide his indifference. He can even conclude the conversation with the words that you do not need to worry, and everything will be fine. But when the subordinate leaves the office, this boss will breathe a sigh of relief and say to himself: “Thank God he is gone!” And take his foot off the armrest.

If the boss's chair does not have an armrest (which is unlikely, because such a chair is usually placed for visitors), he can put one or both legs on the table. If his boss enters the room, it is unlikely that the boss will use such an explicit gesture of the owner, he will restrict himself to a more sophisticated pose, put his foot on the bottom drawer of the writing desk, for example, or, if there are no drawers in the table, he will confidently put his foot next to the table leg claiming ownership of it.

These gestures can be extremely annoying during negotiations, and you need to force a person to change his pose, because the further he remains in the pose “leg on the arm of the chair” or in the position of “legs on the table”, the longer he will remain indifferent or hostile attitude. This can simply be done - give him some object so that he couldn’t reach it, and to see it, he will have to stand or lean forward. If both of you have a sense of humor, you can tell him that he had a stitch in his pants.

Chapter XIII Mirroring

The next time you attend an official reception, evening or party, note that some people talking to each other are sitting or standing in the same position and repeating each other's gestures. This “mirroring” is the means by which one person tells the other that he agrees with his opinion and views. Using this tool, one non-verbally tells the other: "As you can see, I think the same way you do, so I copy your pose and your gestures."

It is very interesting to watch this subconscious copying. Look, for example, at two men depicted in fig. 131 standing at the bar. They mirror each other's gestures, and it can be assumed that their thoughts and feelings coincide. As soon as one person crosses his arms or legs, the other does the same. As soon as one of them puts his hand in his pocket, the other repeats his gesture, and this copying will continue as long as they are in agreement with each other. This copying is often present in the communication of people of the same social level, close friends, and you can often see how couples walk, stand, sit or move the same way. Sheflen noted that people unfamiliar with each other carefully avoided the same postures and body positions when communicating. Mirroring is of great importance, because this is one way to show the other person that you agree with him, and you like him. You can do this by simply copying his gestures. Similarly, by mirroring, we can determine that the interlocutor likes us, and he agrees with us.

If you want to establish complete understanding with your subordinate and create a relaxed atmosphere, the only thing you need to do is copy his pose, and you will achieve the goal. Similarly, a promising, budding employee of the company can copy the gestures of his boss in an attempt to achieve mutual understanding. Using mirroring, you can influence the results of your conversation face to face with another person. Copying his gestures and postures will help you get this person closer to himself, because he sees that you understand and share his point of view.

To dominate, to prevail over you. It is known that accountants, lawyers and people in senior positions take this pose in the presence of people whom they consider to be lower than themselves in terms of social status. By accepting the same situation, you can confuse them and make them change their position, which will allow you to take the initiative in your own hands.

Studies show that when a team leader uses certain gestures and postures, his subordinates usually copy them. The head of the group can be determined by the fact that he usually goes first through the door, and he sits, usually with the edge of a couch or bench, but not in the center. When board members enter the room, usually the Head of the board comes in first. When they sit in the hall, he usually sits at the head of the table, most often the farthest from the door .. If the boss sits in a T-shaped pose, all his subordinates also take this pose.

Salesmen selling at home can be advised to watch the gestures of the married couple whose house they entered to determine who is the first to make the gesture and who is copying it.

For example, if the husband is talking, and the wife is sitting silently, but you notice that the husband is copying his wife’s gestures, this allows you to conclude that it is the woman who makes decisions in this house and writes checks, so it will be more correct to address her during the presentation of the goods .

Chapter XIV: Bowing, slouching, their dependence on social status

For a long time, the desire to reduce their growth in front of others has been used as a means of establishing relations of subordination. We refer to members of the Royal Dynasty as “Your Highness,” and those who commit obscene acts are called “low.” A speaker at a protest rally gets up on the box to be taller than others, the judge rises above the rest of the court. The one who lives in a fashionable apartment on the roof of a skyscraper has more power than the one who lives on the ground floor, and in some countries society is divided into two social classes - high society and lower society.

Whether we like it or not, tall people enjoy more influence than short people, but tall growth can hurt you in a one-on-one conversation, where - you need to speak on an equal footing. It is also difficult to conduct a face-to-face conversation, being uneven in height with your interlocutor.

A woman will sit down in a curtsy when she greets the monarch, and men bow their heads or take off their hats to represent themselves taller than a royal person. In the modern greeting ritual, signs of an ancient kneeling have been preserved. The lower, more modestly a person feels in relation to others, the more he bends his back. In the business sphere, those who constantly bow to the administration are called by such derogatory names as "slime dishes" and "reptiles."

Unfortunately, little can increase or decrease a person’s growth, so we’ll consider some useful ways to use your height.

By deliberately squeezing your figure, you can consciously avoid the discontent from others. Therefore, consider the non-verbal aspects of a traffic accident in which you exceeded speed and the police stopped you. Under these circumstances, in the eyes of a policeman approaching your car, you look like an intruder. Drivers in this situation usually do not get out of the car, but lower the window and apologize for speeding. The negative sides of such non-verbal behavior:

1). A police officer is forced to leave his territory (patrol car) and infiltrate your territory (your car).

2). Your apologies for actual speeding look unconvincing.

3). By staying inside the car, you create a barrier between yourself and the policeman.

Considering that in this situation the official position is half higher than yours, the stereotype of such behavior only worsens the situation and increases your chances of getting a fine, instead, try to act in this way:

1). Get out of your car immediately (your territory) and go to the police car (its territory). In this case, he does not have to leave his territory.

2). Try to bend down enough to look taller than him.

3). To belittle your identity, tell me how stupid and irresponsible you have acted, and to exalt him, thank him for pointing out your mistake. Tell him,

that you appreciate his hard work, especially when he has to deal with fools like you.

4). Extend both hands to him, palms up, in a praying voice, ask him not to write a fine.

This kind of behavior tells the policeman that you are not a danger to him, and most often he will give you a strict warning in an angry fatherly tone and let you go without being fined! If you use these tips correctly, then in more than 50% of cases you will avoid fines.

Similar methods can calm an annoyed customer who returns defective goods to your store. In this case, the counter serves as a barrier between the seller and the customer. It would be more difficult to reassure an angry buyer if the seller remained on his side of the counter, and this position would further infuriate the customer. The store owner should go around the counter on the client’s side, stand up, stretching out both hands and slightly hunched over, and repeat the above methods.

It is interesting to note that there are cases where a decrease in body can be an expression of superiority. This is the case when, as a guest, you are cowering in a ball, settled down no-more comfortable in an armchair, and at this time the owner is standing. Such unceremonious behavior on the territory of another person speaks of a relation of superiority or hostility.

It is also important to remember that on one’s own territory, especially at home, a person always feels more confident and superior to others, therefore restrained gestures and modest behavior on his territory will help you to gain his location.

Chapter XV. Influence on others by means of various positions of the body

Have you ever had the feeling that the person you are talking to is not with you, although he pretends that he likes your company? If we photograph this situation with a camera, then we will see:

1). The man’s head is turned towards you and there are friendly signs — a smile and a nod of his head.

2). But the body with its turn and leg point in the opposite direction from you, to the exit, or to another person. The rotation of the body and the direction of the toe of the foot indicates the direction of his thoughts. From them you can determine where he would like to go.

In fig. 135 depicts two people talking on the go, passing through the door: the person on the left is trying to delay the attention of the interlocutor, but he wants to continue his movement in the direction his body points, although his head is turned and testifies to his interest. But only when the person on the right turns his body to another, a conversation of mutually interested people can take place.

It was noticed that often during negotiations a person who decided to stop negotiations or wants to leave, turns his body or turns his legs towards the nearest exit. If during a face-to-face conversation you drew attention to such signals, you need to do something that would be of interest to your interlocutor or the first to offer to end negotiations, which allows you to remain the master of the situation.

Corners and Triangles. Open Positions

In the previous chapter, we talked about the fact that the physical distance between communicating people depends on the intimacy of their relationship.The angle at which people stand in relation to each other also provides information on their relationships and relationships. For example, people in most English-speaking countries stand at a 90-degree angle during a conversation.

In fig. 136 depicts two people whose bodies are turned towards an imaginary peak of a triangle. Such a pose is a non-verbal invitation to a third person to join them, standing in place of this third point. These two people in the figure demonstrate the equality of social position, as can be seen from their identical gestures and postures, and the angle at which the bodies are turned to each other indicates the laid-back nature of their conversation. The formation of the triangle invites a third person, socially equal, to join their conversation. If the fourth person is accepted into the company, then a square is formed, and if the fifth, then two triangles or a circle are formed.

Closed Positions

When it is required to establish relations of ownership or intimacy, the angle between the bodies decreases to zero degrees.

A man who wants to captivate a woman uses this trick along with other courtship techniques. He not only turns his body towards her, but also narrows the distance between them, moving into her intimate zone. If she accepts his courtship, she only needs to expand her body at zero degrees and allow him to penetrate her territory. The distance between two people standing in a closed position is usually less than with an open position.

In addition to the usual courtship gestures, both partners can mirror their gestures if they are interested in each other.

A closed position can also be used to express a non-verbal challenge to hostile people (see Fig. 103).

Ways to Express Acceptance or Non-Acceptance of a Person in Your Circle

A triangular position of both open and closed type can be used to express the acceptance or rejection of a person in your company.

In fig. 138 shows a triangular position in which two people take in their company a third.

If a third person wants to join two talking people standing in a closed position, then this can only be done at a time when their bodies are turned at an angle to each other towards the imaginary vertex of the triangle. If a third person is not accepted in this company, then the first two will keep a closed position and turn towards the third only their heads, recognizing his physical presence, but the position of their bodies indicates that they do not invite him to stay here.

Often, at the beginning of a conversation, people can stand in an open triangular position, but gradually two of them can form a closed position, thereby excluding the third from their company. This arrangement of forces in the triangle should prompt the third person that this group should be left so as not to be in an awkward position.

How Turning the Body Corps Expresses Interest in a Seated Man

If a person is interested in his interlocutor, then sitting with his legs crossed, he will take a position in which his crossed knees will be aimed at this person. If the interlocutor is also interested in him, then his crossed knees will also be directed in his direction, as shown in Fig. 140. As they begin to get involved in each other, they begin to copy each other's movements and gestures, as shown in Fig. 140, and a closed position is formed that excludes other people present, such as, for example, the person sitting on the right. The person sitting on the right could take part in their conversation only if he took a chair and put it in front of this couple, thereby forming a triangle.

How to Interview or Talk with Two Persons

Suppose you, Mr. K, need to interview or negotiate with Mr. A and B and C.Suppose also that either by chance or on purpose, you sit at a round table in a triangular order.

Let's say that Mr. A is very talkative and asks a lot of questions, and Mr. B is silent all the time. When A turns to you with a question, how to answer him in such a way that B does not feel disconnected from the conversation? Try to use a simple but highly effective technique that helps to include a person in the conversation: when A asks questions to the answer process, look at him first, and then turn your head towards B, then again towards A, then look at B, and so on, until you come to the end of your statement. At this moment, look at A, who asked the question, and put an end to it. This technique allows Mr. B to feel that he is also involved in the conversation, and this will help you win the favor of this person, and you can count on his support in negotiations if necessary.

How Foot Steps Express Interest

Feet most often indicate the direction in which a person would like to go, but they also indicate a person attractive and interesting to you. Imagine that you are at a reception, and there you noticed a group of three men and one very attractive woman. It seems that mostly men are talking, and the woman is just listening. Suddenly you notice an interesting thing - all three men are standing, turning their toe to the side of the woman. This is a non-verbal signal by which all three tell a woman that they are interested in her. Subconsciously, a woman feels these pointing gestures and is ready to stay in the center of this group until she is given attention. In fig. 142 she stands with both legs in a neutral position, but from time to time she can move her leg towards the man who finds them all more attractive. You will also notice that she sneaks a glance at a man standing with fingers clasped behind his belt.

Location of Participants in Communication while Sitting

Consider the following situation: you occupy a managerial position, and you need to call in and talk to a subordinate who unsatisfactorily began to fulfill his duties. In this case, you intend to ask direct questions that require direct answers, and you intend to put pressure on the subordinate. At the same time, you will need to show attention and understanding of his problems, and in some cases, agreement with his position. How to convey the whole gamut of these nuances using the position of the body? Now we will not touch on the methods of conducting such a conversation, and focus on the deployment of forces in this situation.

1. Since the matter is happening in your office, you can leave your desk and sit in front of your subordinate on the other side of the table (partner position).

2. Your subordinate should be seated in a stable chair without armrests, which will allow him to freely display his gestures and body movements, by which you will better know about his true intentions.

3. You should sit on a swivel chair with armrests, which will give you the opportunity to better control the situation and hide your gestures and reactions.

In this situation, you can use three main angular dislocations: as a triangular position in a standing position, an open triangular position in a sitting position allows you to give the conversation a relaxed, informal coloring and is an excellent dislocation at the initial stage of the conversation. With such a deployment, you can express your non-verbal agreement with the subordinate by copying his gestures.

As in the standing position, the bodies of both participants are directed to the third point of the triangle, and the triangular arrangement expresses mutual understanding.

By expanding your chair directly to the subordinate (Fig. 144), you non-verbally inform him that you demand direct answers to your questions.Combining this situation with a business look (Fig. .106) and the practical absence of facial expressions and gestures, you will subject your subordinate to unprecedented non-verbal pressure. If, for example, after your question, he answers, rubbing his eyelid or lips, and then looks away, turn his chair so that it is directly opposite him and ask: “Are you absolutely sure about this?” With this simple movement you will non-verbal pressure on him and make him tell the truth.

When you position your body at right angles to the interlocutor, you remove all pressure from it. This is an excellent position in which you can ask sensitive questions, encouraging frank answers to your questions without any pressure on your part. If he turned out to be a tough nut, it makes sense again to return to the direct turn of the body and again to exert pressure on him to achieve the truth.

Placement of Participants at the Table

The strategic arrangement of “forces” and the correct distribution of participants at the table is a means of their effective interaction. Different shades of people’s attitude towards you can be expressed through the place they occupy at the table relative to you.

Mark Knapp in his book “Non-verbal Communication in the Interaction of People” noted that although there are general rules for the interaction of participants sitting around the table, some circumstances may affect the choice of a place at the table. Studies conducted with a group of middle-class Americans of a white race showed that the pose at the table in the bar or in the lobby of the hotel is different from the pose that a person takes in a first-class restaurant. The way the seats are arranged and the distance between the tables are located, has a big impact on table behavior. Couples in love, for example, prefer to sit huddled together, no matter where they are, but in a crowded restaurant where tables are close to each other, this becomes impossible, and lovers are forced to sit against each other, practically in a defensive position.

Consider the location of participants in a study at a standard rectangular table, not dwelling on other placement situations.

Person B can occupy four basic positions with respect to person A.

B1: Corner layout.

B2: Position of business interaction.

OT: Competitive defensive position.

HF: Independent position.

Corner Location (B1)

This arrangement is characteristic of people engaged in friendly, 'laid-back conversation. This position promotes constant eye contact and provides room for gestures and the ability to observe the interlocutor's gestures. The corner of the table serves as a partial barrier in case of danger or threat from the side of the interlocutor: you can leave for him. With this arrangement, there is no territorial division of the table. The most successful strategic location for the trading agent during the presentation of the product to the new client will be position B1 if A is his customer. By simply moving the chair to position B1, you can defuse the situation and increase your chances of success in negotiations.

Business Interaction Position (B2)

When two people collaborate on a problem or project, they usually occupy that position. This is one of the most successful strategic positions for presenting, discussing and developing common solutions. The secret, however, is for B to use this position delicately, without giving A the impression that his territory was violated. This is a very favorable location also in the case when you need to introduce a third party to the negotiations. For example, B, a sales agent, is already holding a second meeting with a client, in which case he invites a technical expert to the meeting.In this case, the following strategy should be followed: a technical expert takes place C opposite to client A. A sales agent can take either B2 place (business interaction position) or B1 place (angular position). This allows the agent to be on the “client side” and ask questions to the technical expert on behalf of the client. This position is usually called "along with the opponent."

Competing - Defensive Position (OZ)

Standing against each other at the table can cause a defensive attitude and an atmosphere of competition. It can lead to the fact that each side will adhere to its own point of view, because the table becomes the very barrier between them. People occupy such a position at the table if they are in a rivalry relationship, or when one of them reprimands the other for some misconduct. If the meeting takes place in the office, then this arrangement also indicates a relationship of subordination.

Argil described an experiment in the doctor’s office. The experiment showed that for the patient's self-control, the fact of the presence or absence of a table in the office was of great importance. Only 10% of patients felt at ease and relaxed when the doctor had a reception at a table opposite the patient. This figure increased to 55% when the table was removed.

If B wants to influence A, then standing against each other reduces his chances of success in negotiations.

However, in some cases, this arrangement is specifically used as part of a planned strategy. For example, A is the boss, who must make a strict penalty to his subordinate. B, and a competitive position will help him increase the effect of the reprimand. On the other hand, when B wants to give A the opportunity to feel his superiority, he can specifically sit opposite A.

Whatever business you are engaged in, if it is connected with the relationship of people, you need to know various means of influencing people. Your goal should be to understand the point of view of others, create a relaxed atmosphere in the process of interaction and the ability to convince the client that you are the right person for him. A competitive position is not suitable for these purposes. Greater mutual understanding will be achieved through the angular position and the position of business cooperation than through a competing position. A conversation in this position should be short and specific.

When people sit opposite each other, they subconsciously divide the table into two equal territories. “Each claims to its own territory and will defend it in case of encroachment. In a restaurant, two people sitting at a table opposite each other mark their territory with various objects - whether it be salt, pepper, sugar bowl or napkin.

Here is a simple test you can do in a restaurant. It shows how a person reacts to an invasion of his territory. Recently, I invited a sales agent to a restaurant, hoping to offer him a contract with our company. We sat at a small rectangular table, so small that I could not take a corner position and had to sit in a competing position.

On the table were the usual cutlery: salt shaker, pepper shaker, ashtray, napkins and menus. I took the menu, read it and then put it in the place where the territory of my interlocutor was. He took it, read it, and laid it in the center of the table to his right. Then I took the menu again, read it again, and put the menu on its territory again. Until that moment, he sat slightly bent forward, and my small intrusion made him lean back. The ashtray was in the center of the table, but I, shaking off the ashes, slightly pushed it into its territory. When he shook the ashes from his cigarette, he again pulled the ashtray to the center of the table. Then again, as if by accident, I pulled the ashtray to his side.Then I slowly moved the sugar bowl from the center of the table to his side, and he began to show signs of anxiety. In the same way, I moved the stand for salt and pepper. By this time he was already sitting on charcoal, and drops of sweat appeared on his forehead. When I moved the napkins to his side, that was the last straw. He could not stand it, got up, apologized and went to the toilet. Upon his return, I apologized and left the table. When I returned, I saw that all accessories were neatly moved to the center line!

This simple but effective game shows how a man puts up resistance to a man who invades his territory. Thus, it becomes clear why a competing position should be avoided in negotiations or discussions.

There are times when it is very difficult or inappropriate to take a corner position when presenting your material. Suppose you need to submit a book, sample, or diagram to a person sitting at a rectangular table. First put what you want to present on the center line of the table. Another person will lean forward and begin to examine your object, take it to your territory or move it to your territory.

If at the same time he leans forward to get a better look, you should not move from your place, but continue the presentation in the position you are in, because this gesture tells you that you are not being pulled to the other side of the table. If he takes your material to his territory, this gives you the opportunity to “ask for permission to go to his side and take either a corner position or a business cooperation position. However, if he repels what you are showing him, be careful! Follow the golden rule - do not penetrate the territory of others until you have received verbal or non-verbal permission, otherwise you will be rebuffed.

Independent Position (HF)

This situation is occupied by people who do not want to interact at the table with each other. This usually happens in a library, in a park on a bench or in a restaurant at a table. It indicates a lack of interest. This situation can also be regarded as hostile to a person whose territorial borders have been violated. This provision should be avoided when a frank conversation between A and B is required.

Round, Square and Rectangular Tables. Square Table (Official)

As previously noted, the square table contributes to the creation of relations of rivalry and challenging behavior of people equal in position. Square tables are good for holding a short, business conversation or for emphasizing a subordination relationship.

Cooperation relationships are more likely to be established with the person who sits at the table next to you, and more will come from the person who sits to your right than from the person who sits to your left. The greatest resistance will be the one who sits right in front of you ..

Round Table (Unofficial)

King Arthur used the round table to provide all knights with an equal amount of power and equal standing. The round table creates an atmosphere of informality and ease, and is the best way to conduct a conversation of people of the same social status, because everyone at the table is allocated the same space. Unfortunately, King Arthur did not understand that if the social status of one person is higher than the status of the rest of those present, this leads to an unequal distribution of power and influence between the other members of the group. The king has the highest authority at the round table, and this means that sitting on both sides of him, more power and respect is allocated verbally than the others, and the knight sitting on the right has more influence than the knight sitting on the left.The degree of influence decreases depending on the distance of the knight from the king.

Consequently, the knight sitting directly opposite King Arthur was actually in a competitively defensive position and was perhaps one of those who troubled King Arthur the most. In business, square and round tables are often used. A square table, which is usually a desktop, is used for business negotiations, briefings, for reporting offenders and the like. The round table, most often this is a table with turntables, serves to create a relaxed, informal atmosphere and is good if you need to reach an agreement.

Rectangular Table

At the rectangular table, place A is considered predominant. At a meeting of people of the same social status, a person sitting in place A will exert maximum influence, provided that he does not sit with his back to the door. If A will sit with his back to the door, the dominant position will move to B, who will become an opponent.

regarding A. If A sits at the head of the table, then B will be the next most important person, but not C and D. This information will allow you to plan the placement of participants at the table. You can put signs on the chairs with the names of participants in the meeting and arrange them in such a way as to have maximum control over everyone.

Dining Table At Home

The shape of the dining table gives you an idea of ​​how roles are distributed in the family, provided that the living room allows you to put on a table of any shape, and that the decision to purchase a table was made in the family after some thought and discussion. "Open" families will go to buy a round table, "closed" families will choose a square table, and people of the "governing" type will prefer a rectangular table.

How to Organize a Restaurant Feast.

Considering everything that we talked about the territory of a person and the use of round, square and rectangular tables, we will consider the procedure for inviting a person to dinner from whom you want to agree to your proposal. Consider the factors that help create a favorable atmosphere, discuss their role and potential opportunities, and consider the basics of the behavior of a person who treats him to dinner.

Anthropologists say that initially man was a herbivore living on trees, eating mainly roots, leaves, berries, fruits, etc. About a million years ago, he went down from a tree and went out into the open to hunt animals. Before becoming an inhabitant of the fields, his way of eating was reminiscent of a monkey, that is, constant chewing and pinching of food all day. Each individual person was responsible for his survival and for the extraction of his food. When he began to hunt, he needed the cooperation of others in the hunt for large prey, so large hunting groups began to form. Each group left early at dawn to hunt and returned at sunset with daily prey. She was divided equally between hunters and was eaten inside a common cave.

At the entrance to the cave, a fire was set up for heating and for scaring off predators. Each caveman, while absorbing food, sat with his back against the wall of the cave to prevent possible attacks from the back. The only audible sounds were gnashing of teeth and crackling of fire. This ancient process of joint absorption of food at dusk around the campfire laid the foundation for a modern public ritual that people arrange in the form of banquets, picnics with a traditional meat dish fried on a grill over coals, gala dinners. During these ceremonies, modern man behaves in exactly the same way as he did a million years ago.

We will return to our invitation to a restaurant or to a gala dinner.It will be easier for you to receive a positive response from your guest if he feels at ease, relaxed, when his defensive gestures are not manifested. To bring it to such a state, remembering what has been said about our ancestors, try to adhere to the following simple rules.

First, no matter where you dine, at home or in a restaurant, try to make your guest sit with his back to a wall or screen. Science has proven that a person’s breathing rate, heart rate and brain pressure increase if he sits with his back to an open space, especially if there is constant movement behind his back. In addition, tension increases when a person’s back is turned toward the front door or window if the building is on the ground floor. It is important that the light is dim and soft background music is played. In many first-class restaurants, you can see a fireplace or its imitation to recreate the image of a fire illuminating the feast of a primitive man. It is best to book a round table and put your guest behind a large flower so that he has an overview of the public and is hidden from the eyes of possible seducers.

It will be easier for you to achieve positive results from your guest under these conditions than it would be in a restaurant with bright lighting, with tables located in the open space and to the sound of plates, knives and forks. Chic restaurants use a variety of intimate relaxation techniques to pump large amounts of money from their customers for an ordinary menu, and men like to invite women to such restaurants to surround them with romance and an intimate atmosphere.

Improving Human Status Through Manipulation with an Armchair

Have you ever had to get an interview when applying for a job? Maybe at that moment you felt helpless and insignificant, and the person conducting the interview seemed so big and important to you? If this is so, then this probably happened because the interviewer very cleverly furnished his office, where everything was designed to increase his power and status, and thereby belittle yours. Some techniques using armchairs, chairs and other furniture help create this impression.

The status of a person and his influence can be improved with the help of the following changes in the shape of the chair: an increase in its size and dimensions of its parts, lengthening of the legs of the chair so that it is higher from the floor, and the correct location of the chair relative to the visitor.

Dimensions of the Chair and Its Details

Depending on the height of the back of a chair (or chair), the status of a person can increase or decrease, and chairs with inflated backs can serve as a well-known example. The higher the back of the chair, the more power and authority a person sitting on it has. Kings, queens, popes and other privileged persons make the back of the chair up to 2.5 meters high to emphasize their status with respect to their subjects. A major administrator will have a chair with a high leather-covered back, and a visitor chair will have a low back.

Spinning chairs give more power and freedom than chairs on stable legs, because they give a person freedom of movement at a time when pressure is exerted on him. Chairs on stable legs do not allow you to move freely, and this lack of freedom is compensated by the use of gestures and body movements, which can reveal the feelings and attitudes of a person sitting on a chair. Armchairs with reclining backs and castors are better than regular armchairs.

Chair Rise

Chapter XIII talked about how you can increase your status by elevating the chair; note that this is done by elevating the chair over the chairs of other people present.It is known that some large advertising business dealers like to sit on a high-backed chair located at the maximum height from the floor, while they leave space for their visitors on the sofa or on a chair so that their face is at the level of the administrator’s desk . The trick is to make the ashtray inaccessible to the visitor, which will cause inconvenience on his part, if necessary, to shake off the ashes.

Chair Seat

As mentioned in the previous chapter, the most influence and power can be exerted on the visitor if his chair is located opposite you on the other side of the table. The usual way to apply pressure is to place the visitor's chair as far away from the reception desk as possible. The chair will be located in a social or public territorial zone, which will help reduce the status of the visitor.

Thoughtful Furniture Arrangement in the Cabinet

After reading this book, you will now be able to furnish your office and arrange the furniture in it in such a way as to have as much power, status and the ability to control the situation as you wish. Let us give an example that tells how we redid the office of one boss and thereby helped him solve some problems in relations with his subordinates.

John, an ordinary employee of the insurance company, was appointed to the position of head of the company and his separate office. After several months in this position, he noticed that his subordinates dislike him, and their attitude becomes especially hostile when they communicate with him in his office. They refused to obey his instructions and guidance; he found out that they were gossiping about him behind his back. Our observations of his relationship with his subordinates showed that the situation was especially aggravated while they were in John’s office.

For now, we will not talk about how we developed the skills of good leadership, but rather focus on the non-verbal aspects of the problem. Here is what John’s office looked like at the beginning of our observations:

1. The visitor’s chair was in a competing position relative to John’s chair.

2. The walls in his office were made of wood panels and a glass partition overlooking the common room. This glass partition reduced the status of John and increased the status of a subordinate sitting on a visitor's chair, because there were subordinates behind him who had full opportunity to observe everything that was happening in the office.

3. John's desk had a front wall hiding the lower part of his body, which prevented his subordinates from monitoring his gestures.

4. The visitor's chair was located so that he had to sit with his back to the front door.

5. John, in the presence of his subordinate, used to sit with both hands behind his head and throwing his leg over the arm of the chair.

6. John had a screw chair with high back wheels and armrests. The visitor's chair was an ordinary chair with. low back, steady legs and without armrests.

Given that from 60-80% of communication is carried out at the expense of non-verbal, it becomes obvious that the non-verbal aspects of communication, characteristic of this situation, were catastrophic. To save the situation, we made the following changes:

1. We set John’s table directly at the glass partition, which made his office more spacious and increased visibility visibility for visitors.

2. The visitor’s place - the “hot spot” - was moved to the corner position, which facilitates more frank interaction and allows, if necessary, to use the corner of the table as a partial barrier.

3. The glass partition was covered with a mirror coating, allowing John to see everything that was happening in the common room, but his subordinates could not see what was happening in his office.This raised John's status and created a more intimate atmosphere inside the office.

4. At the other end of the office we set up a round coffee table with three identical swivel chairs for informal, friendly conversations.

5. At the initial location of the table, half of its territory belonged to the visitor, and after the rearrangement, the territory of the table became mostly owned by John.

6. John learned to use open gestures, abandoning gestures with crossing his arms and legs while communicating with his subordinates in his office, and began to use the gesture of open palms more often.

As a result, his relations with his subordinates improved, and they began to call him a complaisant and understanding leader.

What Still Helps Raise Status

Some things, thoughtfully distributed throughout the office, can non-verbally increase the status and authority of its owner. Let's look at some examples:

1. Low sofas for visitors.

2. An expensive ashtray, standing outside the visitor’s reach, which makes him feel awkward when using the ashtray.

3. Foreign box for cigarettes.

4. Several left on the table red folders with the words "Top Secret".

5. Photos, letters and awards, once received by the owner, hung on the walls.

6. Easy portfolio diplomat. Heavy, thick briefcases are worn only by loafers.

All you need to improve your status and authority is to think a little about what non-verbal information the situation in your office or home conveys. Unfortunately, most executive offices are furnished as shown in fig. 158, and rarely does anyone think about those negative non-verbal signals that are unwittingly transmitted to visitors.

We suggest that you carefully examine the situation in your office and, using the information received, make all the necessary changes for the better.

Chapter XVIII Summary

Although communication through body language has been going on for more than a million years, scientific study of this phenomenon began only in the last twenty years, and it gained special popularity in the seventies. By the end of this century, people of the whole world will learn about this phenomenon and, I predict, that the body language and its importance for communication will be specially taught in educational institutions.

This book gives primary knowledge about the language of body movements, and I suggest you do your own research and supplement your knowledge theoretically and practically through the examples given in the book.

In fact, the surrounding reality and the people living in it are the best scientific and testing ground. Consciously observing your own gestures and gestures of other people is the best way to study the communication techniques used by the most complex and interesting biological organism - the person himself.

The remaining pages of the book are devoted to social and business situations, and it is shown how gestures and various signals given by the body form a “bouquet” and how circumstances can affect your interpretation of gestures.

However, before reading these pages, carefully review the illustrations and test yourself, how you learned to interpret a particular gesture.

You will be surprised to find how much your receptivity and ability to understand the gestures of others has improved.

Set of Gestures. Gestures in Various Circumstances of Everyday Communication

Figure 160 is a great example of a collection of gestures of openness. The palms are fully open and turned towards the interlocutor, the pose of submissive submission, the fingers of the palm are apart to give greater expressiveness to the gesture. The head is in a neutral position, and the arms and legs are apart.

A man in his posture expresses a humble, non-threatening attitude towards the interlocutor.

Figure 161 is a classic bouquet of gestures characteristic of a person who is telling a lie.Rubbing his eyelid, he looks at the floor, and both eyebrows are raised. The head is turned to the side and slightly lowered down, which is typical for negative feelings. And also on his face is an insincere, strained smile. Figure 162. Here, there is incompatibility of gestures. A person smiles confidently as he crosses the room, but one hand adjusting the clock is across the body and forms a partial barrier, which confirms that the person is not confident in himself (or in circumstances).

Figure 163. This woman disapproves of the person she is looking at. She did not turn his head or body to him, but she squinted at him, and her head was slightly tilted forward (disapproval), her eyebrows were slightly bent (anger), and her arms crossed firmly crossed on her chest indicate a defensive position. The corners of the mouth are down.

Figure 164. In the pose of this person, superiority, a sense of territorial ownership and dominance over others are clearly visible. When a person puts both legs on the table, he manifests his territorial claims to this place. The expensive chair in which he sits emphasizes his status.

Figure 165. The child put his hands on his hips in order to have a more impressive, awesome look. The chin protrudes forward, expressing a challenge, and his mouth is wide open to bite his teeth, as animals do before attacking their prey.

Figure 166. This group of gestures can be described in one word - negativity. The folder acts as a barrier, and the arms and legs are crossed due to nervousness or defensive ™ position. The jacket is fastened, and dark goggles hide any eye movements or pupil reaction. Most of the face is hidden under the beard, which makes his appearance look suspicious.

Considering that people make up 90% of their opinion about a person in the first 90 seconds of communication with him, it can be assumed that this person is unlikely to take the first step towards another.

Figure 167. Both people are in an aggressive pose of readiness, with the man on the left defiantly putting his hands on his hips, and the man on the right put his thumbs on the belt of his trousers. The man on the left is less aggressive than the man on the right, the one on the right, moreover, took a threatening pose, pointing the body directly at the opponent. His expression also matches his gestures.

Figure 168. The man on the left sits astride the chair in order to control the course of the conversation or to exert a dominant influence on the man on the right. He also uses the gesture - a "direct turn of the body" aimed at the person to his right. He squeezed his fingers, and his legs are brought together under a chair, which speaks of his frustrated feelings, perhaps because he cannot convince his interlocutors of his innocence. The man in the center feels himself above the other two, as evidenced by his gesture of both hands laid behind his head. In addition, he fixed one leg on the knee of the other leg, and this gesture indicates his disagreement and intention to argue. He has a status-enhancing chair that rotates, leans back, rolls on wheels and has armrests. The person on the right is sitting on a chair that does not contribute to raising status, this is a chair with a low back, stable legs without wheels, and no jewelry. His arms and legs are closely intertwined (defensive position), his head is tilted down (hostility). Everything indicates that a person does not believe what they are told.

Figure 169. This woman demonstrates the classic gestures of female coquetry. One leg is set forward, pointing to the person on the left (interest), a series of gestures - “hands on the thigh” and “thumb behind the belt” speaks of sexual readiness, the left wrist is attractively set, and when it is smoking it blows smoke up (positive attitude , self confidence). She also looks sideways at the man on the left, and he answers her flirty gestures with his gestures: he straightens his tie (preening), and the toe of his leg is directed at the woman.His head is raised up (interest). It can be seen that the man in the center of the group is not enthusiastic about the presence of another, because he turned away from him and looks at him defiantly askance. His palms are not visible, and he directs the smoke when smoking down (negative attitude), in addition, he leans against the wall (territorial challenge).

Figure 170. The person on the left is characterized by arrogant behavior towards the person sitting opposite him, because he uses gestures of superiority over others. His eyelids are half-closed, and the brain is trying to shut itself off from the presence of this person. The head is thrown back so that you can condescendingly look from top to bottom. The militancy of his posture is manifested in the fact that the knees are tightly pressed, and both hands holding a glass of wine form a barrier. The man in the center is clearly excluded from the conversation, since the other two do not form a triangular inviting position. However, he keeps himself apart, as can be seen from his gestures - his thumbs in his jacket pocket (superiority), he leaned back in his chair and shows the genital area. His head is in a neutral position. The man on the right is fed up with this neglect and has taken a starting position (readiness to leave), and his body is directed to the nearest exit door. His eyebrows and corners of his mouth are down, his head is slightly tilted down - all together means discontent and disapproval.

Figure 171. The man on the right and the man on the left formed a closed disposition to show the man in the center that he was not accepted into their company. The man in the middle treats others with a sense of superiority and sarcasm, as can be seen from his gestures - one hand holds on to the lapel of the jacket, and the finger of this hand is set up (sense of superiority), In addition to this, the mocking gesture towards the person standing on the left made to react with a defensive posture (crossed legs), as well as with an aggressive gesture - clasped hands behind the back with one hand gripping the forearm of the other (self-control), a squint look is also characteristic. The man on the left is also not enthusiastic about the behavior of the man in the middle. He crossed his legs (defensive posture), his hand in his pocket (unwillingness to participate), looking at the floor and rubbing his neck with his hand.

Figure 172. This group of people is also in a tense atmosphere. All three men are sitting back in their chairs to be further away from each other. The reason for this tense situation is the person on the right, as can be seen from the complex of his negative gestures. During a conversation, he touches his nose with his hand (cheating), his right hand lies across the body, forming a partial barrier (protective posture). The fact that he is not interested in the opinions of other people present can be seen by the leg thrown on the arm of the chair and by turning the body away from the interlocutors. The person on the left does not like what the person on the right says because he is stripping non-existent villi from his clothes (disapproval), one leg is thrown over the other (defensive posture) and his legs are turned away (lack of interest). The man in the center would like to say something, but he is holding back his opinion. This can be seen by the hands clenched in a fist and ankles pressed to each other. He also throws a non-verbal challenge to the person on the right, because his body is aimed directly at him.

Figure 173. In this figure, the man on the left and the woman mirror each other's gestures and, sitting on the couch, they resemble two copies. This couple is very interested in each other. They put their hands so that their wrists are visible, and their knees look at each other. The man in the center sits with a tight smile, and it may seem that he is interested in what the other man is saying, but this does not correspond to his other gestures and facial expressions. The head is bent down (disapproval), the eyebrows are bent (anger), and he looks askance at the other man. In addition, his arms and legs are tightly bound (defensive position).All this indicates that the person is clearly negative.

Figure 174. The man on the left shows an excellent bouquet of gestures that convey trust, openness and honesty. These are outstretched palms, a leg extended forward, a raised head, an unbuttoned jacket, arms and legs apart. He leans forward and smiles. Unfortunately, his position does not find a response from those present. A woman sits deeply back in her chair and crosses her legs (defensive position), she uses her right hand as a partial barrier (defensive posture). Her clenched fists indicate a hostile attitude. The head is tilted forward, and the woman resorts to a gesture of critical evaluation (hand under the cheek). The man in the middle uses a hairpin gesture, indicating that he feels confident and above others. He sits with his foot on the knee of the other foot, demonstrating his critical attitude. The overall posture is negative, as he sits leaning back with his head bowed.

These three people are shown in the usual situation at any party. Here you can see how typical protective and aggressive gestures are used, as well as courtship gestures.

Figure 175. All two are standing with their arms folded across their chests, and two have crossed their legs (defensive posture). The bodies of all three are not oriented towards each other, - everything says that they met for the first time. The man on the right is very interested in this woman, as can be seen from the way he turned his right foot with his toe to her side and squinted at her. His gaze is combined with raised eyebrows (interest) and a smile, in addition, the body of his body is slightly inclined towards the woman.

Figure 176. The non-verbal situation has changed. The woman has straightened her legs and is in a neutral position. The man on the left also straightened his legs and put one foot with his toe toward the woman (interest). He put the thumbs of both hands over the belt of trousers, if this gesture is intended for a man, he is interpreted as aggressive. If it is intended for a woman, then it becomes a sexual gesture. He also straightened up to appear taller. The man on the right seems to be embarrassed by the behavior of the first man, which can be seen from the fact that he straightened up strongly, casting sidelong glances at the man on the left: his eyebrows are lowered (disapproval), and the smile is gone.

Figure 177. Now we can clearly see by gestures how relations and sympathies were determined. The man on the left remained in the same position with his fingers clasped behind the trouser belt and the toe turned toward the woman. In addition, he slightly turned his body towards the woman to get a complete flirting gesture. The fingers tighten the belt harder and the body straightens. The woman answers - these are courtship signals with her own gestures, indicating that she is passionate about the "game." She relaxed her hands, turned to face this man, and one leg with his toe turned in his direction. Her coquetry gestures are touching her hair, bare wrists and a friendly expression on her face. When smoking, she exhales smoke upward (certainty). The man on the right does not like the fact that he was expelled from the company, this is evident from his gesture - hands on the hips (aggressive readiness).

In conclusion, we say that the man on the left has won the attention of a woman, and the other man should look for a partner somewhere else.

Watch the video: Teaching without words. Matthew Peterson. TEDxOrangeCoast (February 2020).